Monday joke (ng) | Page 35 | Vital Football

Monday joke (ng)

"I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then… You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then… You finish off as an orgasm."
- Sean Morey
 
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Patrick drives into his neighbourhood garage in Belfast.
''Can you fill up the petrol?'' he asked.
''No-we dont sell petrol,'' replied the attendant.
''Can you check my oil?'' he asked.
''No-we dont have any oil,'' said the attendant.
''Well, what do you do?'' asked Patrick.
''We're a front for the I.R.A.''
''Well-can you blow up my tyres?''
 
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table, but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, said to the man: "Pardon me, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't ...... she just walked in."

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Thanks for teaching me the meaning of plethora - - - it means a lot

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Over 5,000 years of eating bread and in less than a decade everyone is allergic to gluten.

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Without freedom of speech we would not know who the idiots are.

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Gilles Lingam said:
"I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then… You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then… You finish off as an orgasm."
- Sean Morey
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I first heard this in the 1970s or 80s in fact it is on a LP from that time I possibly still have somewhere.
It is a very old poem I believe possibly written by this guy...
https://quotepark.com/quotes/177154...t-to-live-my-next-life-backwards-you-start-o/
On the subject I also have this recording another oldie that you might not have heard .

It still makes me smile even though I am very familiar with the words.
 
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A man takes Alfred his Golden Retriever to the vet and say's 'My dog is cross-eyed and keeps bumping into things, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' say's the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' hello Alfred you're a nice boy and picks up the dog to examine his eyes, then he checks his teeth, to which Alfred gives him a big wet lick from his chin over his nose right up to the vets hairline, Finally, the vet says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'Oh no no please no all because he's cross-eyed?'



'No, because he's really, really, heavy'
 
I don't know whether this is a joke or just something really sad and horrible. Having seen piss takes of Dianne Abott (and as a leftie I have to admit I don't like her) I give you...

Nadine Dorries.

Incredible that she is "Culture Secretary". She wants to sell off C4 because she thinks it is paid for by taxpayers.

Even proper Tories are trashing her.
 
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