Monday joke (ng)

[Suffolk Gills]

Yesterday I was sat watching football on TV when I heard Mrs SG say ‘ What do you want for dinner, Savoury Beef, delicious salmon or it mouthwatering chicken ?’ I replied ‘ Delicious Salmon ‘ . She replied rather sharply, ‘ I’m talking to the cat ‘

 

[shotshy]

conjunctivitis.com

now there’s a site for sore eyes

 

[Vambogills]

Last night in the Queens Head a lizard got up and started telling jokes.
He was a stand up chameleon.

 

[Gills 58]

Why don't cows have feet?



Because they lactose.

 

[Romany]

If anyone wants to talk to me about my shoddy joinery, my door's always open.

 

[ThreeSixes]

A bloke is shagging his missus but not a lot is happening.

"Do you think your Alzheimer's is having an effect?" She asked

He said "I think so, I cant remember what your sister looks like"

 

[octopus]

I got sacked from work last week just for being dyslexic.

Not all bad though, apparently they are gonna send me 45p in the post

 

[Steeeeeeves]

Why are there no headache tablets on pirate ships?

’Cause the parrots eat ‘em all.

 

[Chippygill]

where do pirates do there shopping Aaarrrgggooosss

 

[Suffolk Gills]

Ah, pirate jokes - now you're talking.

What happened when Bluebeard fell into the Red Sea - he was marooned.

 

[Baghdad_Rob]

How do you make a Swiss Roll? Push him down a steep hill.

 

[jokerman]

Chinese political joke tried out on social media by a few brave souls over there-

Xi who must be obeyed.

 

[shotshy]

I was up the cemetery yesterday and the undertakers were just walking round and round with the coffin.
I thought, these guys have lost the plot !

 

[Detritus]

The M20 was closed yesterday following an accident involving a lorry carrying french cheese which left da brie everywhere.

 

[shotshy]

Fireworks going off so early for Bonfire Night.
What’s wrong with these people ??
My cat was so scared that it ran up the Christmas tree.

 

[timnolongerinbrisban]

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not Africa. Then I realised vampires are killed by holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.

 

[shotshy]

I once lived just a stones throw from a family who all died with mysterious head injuries.

 

[Nobby_66]

My mate had builders in to sort an extension and his five year old daughter decided to help. The builders gave her little jobs to do to make her feel part of the team. At the end of the week she was presented with her 'wage packet', which consisted of £2 in small change. She was thrilled to bits and her father took her to the bank to open an account with the money - where she duly handed it over to the cashier. The cashier asked how she had earned the money and she said she was helping Steve, Big Harry and Wayne build an extension. "Wonderful," said the cashier, " and will you be helping them next week again?" "Well," the little girl said, " I will if those w**kers from Jewsons deliver the f***ing bricks on time."

 

[Suffolk Gills]

My partner left me. She said I was too addicted to the Gills. It's a shame, we had been together for three seasons.

 

[shotshy]

I was an accountant between the ages of 22 and 31 when I was suddenly sacked for no apparent reason.
Well, that was a waste of 14 years.