Monday joke (ng) | Page 33 | Vital Football

Monday joke (ng)

An old Rusiian joke adapted to the present day:-

Two Russian next door neighbours, Ivanov and Petrov, both decided that they should go the bank to withdraw their roubles, preferably in Dollars. When they got to the bank they found out that everyone else had had the same idea and that the queue was huge.

After 2 hours of queuing they had hardly moved and Ivanov turned to Petrov and said, "I've had enough of this, I am going to go home and collect my gun and go and shoot that b*****d Putin". Petrov told him not to be daft, but Ivanov had made his mind up so he went home to collect his gun.

Another 2 hours later and still the queue had hardly moved and Ivanov returned. "Did you do it?" asked Petrov. "No I didn't" replied Ivanov, "The queue to shoot Putin was longer than the queue for the bank".
 
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When you have nothing much to do, just think about a few things that don't make sense ...​
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1. If a poison use by date expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?​
2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?​
3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?​
4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?​
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.​
6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.​
7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"​
8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.​
9. If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.​
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Six great confusions still unresolved:​
​
1. At a cinema, which arm rest is yours?​
2. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?​
3. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?​
4. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?​
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Vagaries of English Language! ​
​
- Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?​
- Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?​
- How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?​
- If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?​
- How do you get off a non-stop Flight?​
- Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by lorry SHIPMENT?​
- Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?​
- Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves​
- Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?​
- What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?​
 
PhilK66 said:
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When you have nothing much to do, just think about a few things that don't make sense ...​
​
1. If a poison use by date expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?​
2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?​
3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?​
4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?​
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.​
6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.​
7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"​
8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.​
9. If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.​
​
Six great confusions still unresolved:​
​
1. At a cinema, which arm rest is yours?​
2. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?​
3. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?​
4. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?​
​
Vagaries of English Language! ​
​
- Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?​
- Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?​
- How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?​
- If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?​
- How do you get off a non-stop Flight?​
- Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by lorry SHIPMENT?​
- Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?​
- Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves​
- Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?​
- What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?​
Click to expand...

Brill!
 
The prison chaplain walked out into the excercise yard and approached 3 Irish inmates leaning against the wall.
''What are you in for?'' he asked the first.
''Murder.'' He replied.
''And what did you get for that?''
''Life.''
He asked the next man what he was in for.
''Fraud.'' he replied and I got 15years.''
The Chaplain then asked the third man what was his crime.
''Pouring petrol over Protestants and setting them alight.''
''And what did you get for that?'' asked the Chaplain.
''About fifteen to the gallon.'' replied the prisoner.
 
Before my surgery the anaesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle - it was an ether/oar situation.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles and now I'm experiencing constant vowel movements. The next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

A lorry loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub overturned on the motorway today. Amazingly there was no congestion for 8 hours.
 
Queen Elizabeth And Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.

St. Peter thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down then pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

St. Peter says, "Okay, your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"​
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
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