Joke | Page 11 | Vital Football

Joke

A working girl, who'd been a prostitute for 4 years, was worried about the size of her pussy on her wedding night so she decided to tell her new husband she caught it while climbing over a fence to cross a field.
After an hour in bed her new husband said "Just how far across the fucking field were you before you realised it was caught"
 
A man and his wife were driving home one
Very cold night when the wife asks her husband
To stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying
At the side of the road, and she got out to
See if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband,
"It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us,
Get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm."

But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the frozen
Skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
 
3.Newsflash*** Police are attempting to locate a man who has broken into the St Andrews Trophy room and escaped with the whole contents - please be on the lookout for a man with a big roll of carpet under his arm.....

:hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:
 
David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."

"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
 
Why do they have a Cock on a weather Vane?














If they had a Cun* t on it the wind would blow throuogh it.
 
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for some
rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused,
explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum
deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she
has been buying the stuff from drug stores on a
regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have
any"

"But I always buy it at drug stores," says the
blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks
the pharmacist...

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it.."
She returns with the container and hands it to the
pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and
reads out loud from the container...

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."





 
The Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear. Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her
husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to
afford any," she replied. The Englishman immediately reaches into his
pocket and says, " For the sake of decency, here's 50 Pounds . Go and buy
yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her
ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no
undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She
replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into
his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20 Pounds, Go and
buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The
wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked
under it. "Sweet mudder of Jasus, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love
'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

 
It's not exactly a joke but it's the funniest thing I've seen for a while

http://www.ejb.com/video/505/Bear_hits_trampoline.html
 
I heard the news today, oh boy:

Brilliant stuff.

http://www.boreme.com/boremerigid/funny-2003/s_felching-p1.php
 
Is that what one might call natural justice? Serves the sick bastards right but it made me laugh like feck :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:
 
recentlly heard over the Military airwaves.

A...Unidentified object, request you steer NE vector 2.
B...This is the unidentified object, suggest you steer SW vector 8.

A...Unidentified object do you not understand the order. Steer NE vector 2.
B...Sorry to dissagree but strongly suggest you steer SW vector 8.

A...Do you not realise that if you do not steer NE vector 2 there will be a massive collision.
B...Yes I fully understand there will be a collision which is why you should steer SW vector 8.

A...For the last time steer NE vector 2.
B...No and for the last time steer SW vector 8.

A...This is the USS Enterprise the worlds largest nuclear powered aircraft carrier, steer NE vector 2.
B...This is a lighthouse, are you now going to steer SW vector 8 ?
 
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me.
But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

You lisina to me, some daya you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Some daya you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to your watch and say, "TIMES UP"?

 
This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

 
John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

 
This bluenose and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.

"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.

"Nope", he replied.

A few minutes later she asked, “Now do you want to get in the back seat?”

"No, I don't", the bluenose said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
 
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

 
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