Joke

coyleos

Vital Youth Team
#1
A gorgeous blonde, a blose fan, a Villa fan and a pretty brunette are on a train.
They pass through a tunnel and all goes dark.
The blose fan lets out a cry of pain and when they reach daylight is left with a sore looking red welt on his face.
The gorgeous blonde thinks he must have tried to fondle the pretty brunette.
The blose fan thinks the Villa fan tried it on with the brunette and he got the blame.
The brunette thinks the gorgeous blonde did it after he groped her.
The Villa fan thinks "I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can hit him again."



 

coyleos

Vital Youth Team
#3
Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen.
They were eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get tapas
one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium."
Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese sandwiches again.
If I get a Ham & Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his
death..
Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and also jumped to
his death as well.
At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him
again!"
Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the skinny, arseless bint wearing
oversized sun glasses and a trailer trash trucker baseball cap.
"Hey, don't look at me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch."

 
G

Guest

Guest
#5
The problem with joke threads is that they get very obscene, very quicky.

Such as...

Did you hear about the woman with no arms and no legs who won a strawberry picking contest?
 

coyleos

Vital Youth Team
#6
A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.

His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers
from upstairs please."

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old
daughters.
"Hi girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."


The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."



 

platty

Vital Newbie
#9
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?"
"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!
What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand pounds here..."
 
#11
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
 

col8

Vital Football Legend
#13
was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I notice Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late.

Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?"

To which I replied, "Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

 

col8

Vital Football Legend
#14
was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students.

"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.

"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.

"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?"

"Me and my family rode our bikes together."

"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to shy Mikey in the corner of the room.

"What did you do this summer, Mikey?"

"Nothing," the boy responded timidly.

"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, trying to draw Mikey out.

"Yes."

"Did you go to the beach?"

"No."

"Did you ride bikes?"

"No, never!" the boy burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"

"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.

"I don't know," explained Mikey, "but dad always said, when then mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."

 

col8

Vital Football Legend
#15
A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.

"Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father.

"No," says the boy.

"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.

The boy hesitates before he says, "No ... I'm not sleepy yet."

 

col8

Vital Football Legend
#16
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to
>spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
>That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
>night!
>He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for
>the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ya now. And what was
>your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting
>in church beside me wife."
>"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
>The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies
>on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won
>the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
>She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.
>You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he
>fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to
>make him come."
:hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:
 

glensider

Vital Football Legend
#17
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,

"Father, It has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex
with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex
with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and
sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off
her shoes."

 

glensider

Vital Football Legend
#18
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I
want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him
of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen
to foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in
the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn
bank, okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
 

col8

Vital Football Legend
#19
"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her," said George.

"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" replied his friend.

"No, that's not what made her the maddest," the husband chuckled.

"It's not?" asked the friend.

"No, she got pissed off when he reached in the window and closed the curtains!"



:hihi:
 

glensider

Vital Football Legend
#20
A young man wanted to buy a gift for his girlfriend's birthday. They
hadn't been going out very long so he thought long and hard before
remembering that on their last couple of dates she had complained her
hands were cold. So he decided a pair of gloves might be appropriate,
not too personal but, nonetheless, thoughtful.

Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, they went to Harrods and he
bought a stylish pair of cream-colored leather gloves. At the same
time,the sister bought a pair of knickers and they both asked for their
purchases to be gift-wrapped.

Unfortunately, the shop assistant mixed the items up and the guy left
with the gift-wrapped knickers and the girlfriend's sister left with
the gloves.

The boyfriend, without checking his package, decided to deliver his
present in person, but when he arrived at his girlfriend's house she
wasn't in. So instead he posted the present through her front door accompanied
by the following note: -

Happy Birthday Darling,
I hope you like these. I chose them because I noticed you're not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. Had it not been
for your sister, I'd have chosen long ones with white buttons, but she
wears short ones & they're easier to pull off I was worried because they're a
delicate shade but the shop assistant showed me the pair she's worn for
the past 3 weeks & they're hardly soiled at all. I had her try on yours
& 'though a little tight, they looked really smart. She said that the
material helps keep her ring clean & shiny & in fact she hasn't had to
wash it since wearing them. I wish you'd been there so I could've put
them on for you myself, as no doubt many hands will come in contact
with them before I see you again. Just think how many times I'll hold them
in my hand over the coming year.

When you take them off, remember to blow into them, as they will be a
little damp from wearing. I hope you'll wear them for me on Friday
night.

All my love,

Dave
XXX

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing