Joke | Page 10 | Vital Football

Joke

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked
man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed
that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis.

The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."

She replied, "What other way?"
 
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: She's a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections
 
"I'm treating a patient with a split personality," boasted a Psychiatrist "and BUPA pays for both of them!"

 
An ardent fan of the tit flasher JORDAN visited a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm worried. I have the entire ceiling and all the walls of my bedroom covered with JORDANS TITS."

"That doesn't prove there is anything wrong with you", said the doctor.

"But there must be," insisted the patient. " I sleep on my stomach."
 
The patient thought he was dead. His psychiatrist had him stand before a mirror and repeat many times, "Dead men don't bleed."

Then he stuck a pin in the patient's finger and made it bleed a little.

"See now?", the doctor said triumphantly.

"Yes, I see now", the patient replied, "dead men do bleed
 
Why Studying is Better Than Sex

You can usually find someone to do it with.

If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where
you left off.

You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.

When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who got there
first.

A little coffee and you can do it all night.

If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a
"bookteaser."

You don't get embarrassed if your parents catch you.


If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your
roommate for help!
 
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."


When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years, and you watch the expression on his face!"

 
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR - SOME OLD, SOME NEW, BUT ALL FUNNY.

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India . I'm so excited!

I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner


What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! give him some chocolate!"

The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter


I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts



Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds
up.
Christina Martin



Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley



AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just ondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail


TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown


I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um bongo.
Neil Palmer


ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website www.heathermillsmccartney .com, or perhaps when she sold her life story to the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds


PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where credit is due.
T Harpic, London



THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have been?
T Thorne, London


WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray


THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks!
I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith


I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise move.
Martin Mannion


Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill


Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds


My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel


My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll get up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham



When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull


What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
 
Q. What's the difference between a noser and a coconut?


A. You can get a drink out of a coconut!




Q. What's the difference between a noser and a coconut?


A. One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.

 
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart.

She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon Pine Scented deodorizer.

Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do," he replied.


'What does it smell like" she asked?

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit under a Christmas tree".
 
A man walks into a bar and says 'Bartender give me a triple shot of Jack'.

The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says 'Another'.

The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says 'Another'.

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, 'Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?'

The man says, 'Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her.'

The bartender says 'Geez, what did you say.'

The man says ' I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!'
 
Man see's sign in shop window, Pies $1 Wanks $2
He goes in and ask the girl behind the counter, "Are you the one who gives the wanks."
She says yes she is.He says, "Well go wash your fuckin' hands, I want a pie."

 
From a show on Canadian TV there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government ever month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."

 
A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird, the man finally said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued cussing, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer he asked the bird if it had learned its lesson. The parrot said "I sure did. By the way, what the fuck did that turkey do?"
 
Two guys are out golfing, an out on the back 9 they see sheep with it's head stuck in the fence. One of the two says "Look, I haven't had a woman in quite a while and that sheep is looking pretty good right now. Just don't say anything about this"

So he heads over to the sheep, pulls down his pants, and has his way with the poor animal. When he comes back to the golf cart he says to his friend "Hey, that felt pretty good. You want a turn?"

The second golfer replies "Hell yes!" and walks over and puts his head in the fence.

 
This cowboy is taking a herd of horses to market. After dropping them off he is very hungry and decided to stop and eat. The town is very small and there is only one diner. He walks in and finds only one seat is left. It is next to a nice looking, obviously wealthy young lady. The cowboy sits down in the seat next to her.

The waiter comes by and asks the woman if she was ready to order.
She replied: "Yes, I would like the breast of fowl. Virgin fowl. Make sure the bird is a virgin. In fact why don't you catch the bird yourself for me. I would like new potatoes, and garnish my plate with parsley. And I would like a cup of coffee, not to hot or not to cold, and if there is any foam on the coffee please scoop it off for me. And while you're at it, please open a window! I smell horse, there must be a cowboy in here.

Well, the cowboy was sitting right next to her, and he was very offended at that comment.

Shortly the waiter came back with the woman's meal and then asked the cowboy if he was ready to order.

He said "Yes, I would like the duck. Fucked duck. Fuck the bird yourself. Garnish my plate with horse shit and bring me a cup of coffee stronger than Texas mule piss and blow the foam off with a fart. And while you're up, knock out a wall. I smell ****, there must be a whore in here.

 
Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a woman's athletic team?


A: A tribe of pygmies is a cunning bunch of runts
 
It was the 1st day of of school for Little Jimmy and he was really excited.
In class his teacher said: "Now that we're all grown-up we aren't going to use little
baby talk anymore. Instead we're going to use "Grown-up" words! Now who would
like to start by telling us about their summer? A girl named Suzie was waving her hand
so the teacher called on her. She said : "This summer I rode a choo-choo! "The
teacher said "No.. we don't say choo-choo, we say "train" Remember to use
Grown-Up Words.? Now who's next?
Little Jimmy was called on and he replied
"This summer I saw Winnie the Shit!"

 
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