Joke | Page 13 | Vital Football

Joke

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ending.

If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
 
A woman walks into the dentists, takes off her panties, hoists her skirt, sits in the dentist's chair with one leg over one arm and the other leg over the other arm.

The dentist says "You've made a mistake madam the gynacologist is on the next floor"

"No mistake" the lady said "Yesterday you fitted my husband with new dentures today I want you to take them out"

 
And the Dentist examining the bloke said:
"you had oral sex last night"
the bloke said "how can you tell is there a pube in my teeth"

The Dentist said "No theres shit on the end of your nose"


 
An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.
>> The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
>> The man says, "Will you watch us make love?"
>> The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
>> elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the
>> couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with
>> the way you make love." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good
>> luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.
>>
>> The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist
>> to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This
>> happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, make
>> love with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
>>
>> Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
>> sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The
>> old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
>> and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
>> The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here
>> for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"
 
A little girl goes to the barber's shop with her daddy and she stood beside the barber's chair eating a cake whilst her daddy had his hair cut.

The barber smiled at her and said "You're gonna get hair on your muffin"

She replied "I know and I'm gonna get big tits too"



 
A woman sees a sign outside a pet shop:-

CLITORIS LICKING FROG £50

She goes inside and says "Can I see this clitoris licking frog please?

The man behind the counter said:- "BONJOUR"



 
A man and his wife are involved in an awful car crash but the wife comes off much worse her husband offers to give blood as this is her only hope of survival.

Thankfully the transfusion goes smoothly and she makes a full recover however they later go through a terrible divorce in which the husband demands everything he has ever given her back including his blood.

The wife reaches down her trousers, pulls out a bloody tampon and throws it at him screaming "there you are you b*****d! I'll pay you monthly"
 
A little girl goes to a Pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have
any widdle wabbits"?

The shopkeepers heart melts,he gets down on his knees so that he
is on her level and says "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft
fwuffy bwack wabbit,or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"

The little girl blushes ,rocks back on her heels,puts her hands on
her knees,leans forward and whispers"I don't wealy fink my
pyfon gives a phuc.



 
Did you here the Pakistan Cricket team are giving up on Cricket to try their hands at other sports.

Apparently a couple of them have already tried Bob Sleighing.
 
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read: "I'm Dave. If I
catch you, you're mine..."

 
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door. A big, hairy, bearded Biker guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The biker was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bikes parked over there", And points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies "Yep...drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last Question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope...but I was swung around by the nipples once."

 
Now, now Devon Villan. Hey, I sure hope you're not speaking from experience there. I liked that one. Quick and to the point. I'll use that during the trip up to Ewood Park on Saturday.
 
I was visiting my Mother in Laws grave on Friday, I noticed four blokes lugging a coffin around the cemetry, I settled to do the flowers and clean the head stone. One hour later these same four blokes were still wandering around the Graveyard with the same coffin.




I shouted over.........



"I think you have lost the fucking plot"
 
The police are apparently interviewing Frank Lampard about the burglary at Jose Reina's house. Apparently no-one can vouch for his whereabouts from 7.45 - 10.15 on Tuesday night!




What have a cordless drill and the Championship both got in common?

Neither have got Leeds.
 
Three ladies all have separate husbands named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!

 
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have
to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter

 
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