Joke | Page 14 | Vital Football

Joke

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

 
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"



 
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."

 
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

 
Not exactly a joke coz its true, but too good not to post somewhere....


Ted Nugent, Rock star an avid bow hunter was being interviewed by a French
journalist and the discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of
a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or
is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?" or "Why do you do this thing
of killing just for sport?"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they
care
about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I
going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are in
many
ways, very much like the French."





 
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts.
 
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girl's house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".

The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!"

Being a woman of the 21st century, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football,"Nah Na Nah Nah".

The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"

She runs in to mom, and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!"

The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!"

To which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
 
*Why Men Have Better Friends*



*Friendship Between Women*: A woman didn't come home one night. The

next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called

his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.



*Friendship between Men*: A man didn't come home one night. The next

day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman

called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed

that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.




 
A teacher asked her class, What do you want out of life? "
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four
little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really, and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a
tiger in my bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."


 
An Australian, ! an Irishman and a Liverpudlian are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in theCorner, he's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a

pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As He lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock, "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.
"Jesus then approaches the Liverpudlian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus. The Liverpudlian shouts, "F*** off, I'm on disability benefit!"
 
The Pope and the Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven
dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns
in Rome ?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns
around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe ?

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe "

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son,
there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......



Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"


Disclaimer: The character mentioned in this post in no way intends to duplicate or replicate avfc48. :tu:
 
>>> > Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After
>>> > Eight.
>>> >
>>> > She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
>>> >
>>> > On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter,
>>> > she had a Wine Gum.
>>> >
>>> > He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.
>>> > "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky

>>> > Way.
>>> >
>>> > They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr
>>> > Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
>>> >
>>> > It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and
>>> > felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her
>>> > his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
>>> >
>>> > Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him

>>> > take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was
>>> > pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment

>>> > as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
>>> >
>>> > When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She

>>> > wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink
>>> > Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her

>>> > Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
>>> >
>>> > Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,
Caramel.
>>> >
>>> > Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned
>>> > out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
>>> >
>>> >
 
Witton_Lane - 20/12/2006 09:12


A woman was recently raped and she goes to the police station to view the I.D Parade. There's an Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsmen in there, all suspects. The lady walks in the room and the Irishman jumps forward and shouts, "That's her, the miserable bitch!".
Click to expand...

Only just read these and this one made me cry. Brilliant.
 
I was a necrophiliac until I was caught.

Some old **** split on me...
 
X-Rated Riddles


Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.