Joke | Vital Football

Joke

coyleos

Vital Youth Team
A gorgeous blonde, a blose fan, a Villa fan and a pretty brunette are on a train.
They pass through a tunnel and all goes dark.
The blose fan lets out a cry of pain and when they reach daylight is left with a sore looking red welt on his face.
The gorgeous blonde thinks he must have tried to fondle the pretty brunette.
The blose fan thinks the Villa fan tried it on with the brunette and he got the blame.
The brunette thinks the gorgeous blonde did it after he groped her.
The Villa fan thinks "I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can hit him again."



 
Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen.
They were eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get tapas
one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium."
Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese sandwiches again.
If I get a Ham & Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his
death..
Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and also jumped to
his death as well.
At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him
again!"
Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the skinny, arseless bint wearing
oversized sun glasses and a trailer trash trucker baseball cap.
"Hey, don't look at me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch."

 
The problem with joke threads is that they get very obscene, very quicky.

Such as...

Did you hear about the woman with no arms and no legs who won a strawberry picking contest?
 
A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.

His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers
from upstairs please."

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old
daughters.
"Hi girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."


The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."



 
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?"
"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!
What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand pounds here..."
 
Tony Blair's governments record on reducing gun and serious crime.
 
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
 
Sol Cambell has put out a come and get me plea to Charlton after hearing their scorers against Liverpool were Young and Bent
 
A dustman knocks on a japenese blokes door & the jap says "harro" the dustman says "where's your bin?"
"i bin on the loo" says the jap "no mate where's your your dust bin" replies the dustbin man.
" i dustbin on the loo i told you !"
"look mate where is your wheelie bin?"
"ho k i wheelie bin having a wank!"


I'll get my coat 8) ;)
 
OK whilst we're knocking the Japs.....

A Japanese bloke is owed a favour by his mate who runs a builders yard so he promises to get him a job. He asks the Japanese bloke what he can do, to which he replies "nothing".
"You must be able to do something though. Are you a Chippy? Can you paint? Any good at plastering?"
To which the reply to all was "No"
"OK then we'll put you on supplies and see how you get on"

A few weeks pass and one of the other workers asks the boss "Ere boss. Whatever happened to that Jap you employed as a favour?"
"Oh yeah. good point I aint seen him for weeks"

At which point the Jap jumps out of a skip and shouts "SUPLISE"
 
A Chinese person and a Jew are sitting next to each other on a plane.

Just after take off the Jew gives the Chinese person an enourmous slap on the face. Stunned a bit, the latter asks:

- Why did you slap me?

The Jew answers :

- That was for Pearl Harbour!

The Chinese bloke, astounded :

- But I'm Chinese, Pearl Harbour was bombed by the Japanese!

The Jew:

- Chinese, Japanese, Korean, it's all the same to me !

The flight continues and while they are in a cloud the Chinese guy returns an enourmous slap to the Jew, who, also stunned a bit, asks :

- Why did you slap me ?

The Chinese answers: - That was for the Titanic !

The Jew, astouned :

- But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg !

The Chinese guy:

-Iceberg, Steinberg, Goldberg, it's all the same to me...
 
Change in the language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
Be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
The other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
Spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year
Phase in Plan that would become known as "Euro-English."

In the first year, "S" will replace the soft "C." Sertainly, this will make
The sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "C" will be dropped in favour of "K." This should klear up
Konfusion, and keyboards kan have one
Less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
Troublesome "PH" will be replaced with "F.." This will make words like
Fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
Reach the stage where more komplikated
Changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
Ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "E" in the languag is
Disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "TH" with
"Z" and "W" with "V."

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "O" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
And after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU

Understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
Forst plas.
 
Check this free site out. 1500 music videos from the '80's

Select your favourites. Get those feet a tapping.

http://www.freephotosandvideos.com/
 
Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named Frank, who was visiting Durban, South Africa from the U.S.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shite, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These char o's are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shite-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o's!

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shite myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shite to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
 
The Bus Full of Ugly People

A bus, carrying only ugly people, crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their Maker and, because of the grief they have experienced. He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what their wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous, " and so, God snaps His fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while. But, when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts giggling. When there are only ten people left, this guy is giggling uncontrolably, barely able to breath.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually manages to catch his breath and says, "Make'em all ugly, again."
 
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings The
guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !>"You know, " he
said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?
"

"No, " she replies. . . . . "

"You just happened to catch my eye."