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Joke

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory, because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from the anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon – the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
 
From radio 1 this morning.

David Hasslehoff just wants to be known as 'Hoff' from now on. Apparently he can't be bothered with the hassle.
 
I bought Steve Irwins wet suit off e-bay the other day. It cost me £300 but it’s got a hole in it.

Do you reckon I’ve been stung?
 
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

 
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
 
A patient says: "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: "Could you please pass the butter." But instead I said: "You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

 
Did you hear about the bloke who went into a pet shop and asked if he could buy a wasp....



The bloke behind the counter said "we dont sell wasps"


Well you had one in the window last week!!!!


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Fletch - 29/10/2006 19:55

What`s the difference between a Muslim & ET ?

Et looked better, smelt better, learn English, didn`t claim benefits, had his own f**king bike & wanted to go home !!
Click to expand...

:eek: :eek: :eek:
 
Why did Ali trade his wife for an outside toilet? The hole was smaller, smelt better and had less flies around it.
 
A Scouser walks into the local job centre, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing benefit.
I'd really rather have a job
The assistant behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent sir!
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac, underwear-model daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £300,000 a year."

The scouser says, "You're bullshiteting me!"

The assistant says.......




"Yeah, well... you started it."

 
ALL I CAN DO IS APOLOGISE FOR THIS JOKE.....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,
you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He
might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left
the room, and returned a few moments later with a
black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the
dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and
returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%
certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit
a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to
the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell
me my duck is dead!!

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20 but with
the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.
 
What's the difference between a white shirt and Jill Dando?
The white shirt survived the doorstep challenge.

What's the fastest thing on land?
Stevie Wonder's speedboat.

Which King had the most children?
Jonathan.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and one to suck my cock like the filthy whore she is.

How do you know you're in a Jewish household?
There's a fork in the sugar bowl.

Why do Jews have big noses?
Air is free.

What do chavs use as protection during sex?
A bus shelter.

A spastic goes to an Ice Cream shop and asks to buy one,
"Which flavour would you like?"
"It doesn't matter, I'm going to drop it anyway".

What's small, brown, and bumps into tables?
Jordan's son.

Doctor: "It's bad news I'm afraid, you have Cancer and Alzheimer's".
Patient: "Could be worse, at least I don't have Cancer".

How do you get a Granny to shout, "****"?
Get another one to shout, "Bingo".

A woman was recently raped and she goes to the police station to view the I.D Parade. There's an Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsmen in there, all suspects. The lady walks in the room and the Irishman jumps forward and shouts, "That's her, the miserable bitch!".


 
The Cork
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in New York , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse.
If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my arse."
I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along Fifth Avenue and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in American Flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Captain America , the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shite?"

 
I have to give it to Witton - I roared laughing at some of those gags. Classics.
 
A couple of jokes to cheer us up

Paddy was driving home pissed out his head, suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a tree, then another and another. A cop car pulls him over as he swerves all over the road. Paddy tells the Cop all about the trees in the road. The Cop says FFS Paddy thats your AIR FRESHNER !!!!!

If God made the front of womens bodies, who made the back ???? The COUNCIL of course , who else would bulid a shite hole next to a play area !!?? :hihi:
 
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head,
"We're not welcome at Homebase either.

 
A young man wanted to buy a gift for his girlfriend's birthday. They
hadn't been going out very long so he thought long and hard before
remembering that on their last couple of dates she had complained her
hands were cold. So he decided a pair of gloves might be appropriate,
not too personal but, nonetheless, thoughtful.

Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, they went to Harrods and he
bought a stylish pair of cream-colored leather gloves. At the same
time,the sister bought a pair of knickers and they both asked for their
purchases to be gift-wrapped.

Unfortunately, the shop assistant mixed the items up and the guy left
with the gift-wrapped knickers and the girlfriend's sister left with
the gloves.

The boyfriend, without checking his package, decided to deliver his
present in person, but when he arrived at his girlfriend's house she
wasn't in. So instead he posted the present through her front door accompanied
by the following note: -

Happy Birthday Darling,
I hope you like these. I chose them because I noticed you're not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. Had it not been
for your sister, I'd have chosen long ones with white buttons, but she
wears short ones & they're easier to pull off I was worried because they're a
delicate shade but the shop assistant showed me the pair she's worn for
the past 3 weeks & they're hardly soiled at all. I had her try on yours
& 'though a little tight, they looked really smart. She said that the
material helps keep her ring clean & shiny & in fact she hasn't had to
wash it since wearing them. I wish you'd been there so I could've put
them on for you myself, as no doubt many hands will come in contact
with them before I see you again. Just think how many times I'll hold them
in my hand over the coming year.

When you take them off, remember to blow into them, as they will be a
little damp from wearing. I hope you'll wear them for me on Friday
night.

All my love,

Dave
XXX

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing
 
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says to Murphy "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," Murphy replies, and he runs upstairs and there, sat on their beds, are Paddy's two stunning 19-year-old twin daughters.
"Hello dere girls," says Murphy “your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!" they both reply.
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

 
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business
> >>> > function.
> >>> >
> >>> > He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is
> a
> >>> > couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
> >>> > And,
> >>> > next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his
> clothing
> >>> > in
> >>> > front of him, all clean and pressed.
> >>> > Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
> >>> > spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the
> aspirins,
> >>> > cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
> >>> > bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast
> is
> >>> > on
> >>> > the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"
> >>> > He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast
> and
> >>> > the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack
> >>> > asks,"Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after
> 3
> >>>am,
> >>> > drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in
> the
> >>> > hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So,
> why
> >>>is
> >>> > everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and
> >>>breakfast
> >>> > is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom
> >>> > dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants
> off,
> >>> > you screamed, "Leave me alone, b*tch, I'm married!!!".
> >>> >
> >>> >
> >>> > Broken table - R585.26
> >>> > Hot breakfast - R42.20
> >>> > Red Rose bud - R35.00
> >>> > Two aspirins - R8.00
>
> >>> > Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless
 
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