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Joke

10 New Stand-Up Jokes From The Edinburgh Comedy Festival

Ann Widdecombe says she's a virgin for religious reasons. The reason being that God made her incredibly ugly.
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>(Frankie Boyle)
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Know who I blame for the rise of drugs in schools? The supply teachers.
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>(Jimmy Carr)
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How many Tunisians does it take to change a lightbulb? Twenty, no 18,for you sir 16, OK 15 - is good lightbulb.
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>(Ed Byrne)
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I hired an odd-job man. He was useless. Gave him a list of 8 things to do and he only did numbers 1, 3, 5 and 7.
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>(Stephen Grant)
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My girlfriend's just had a little boy. It's a miracle! To think that my sperm would join together with her egg! I mean, I only came on her tits.
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>(Simon Brodkin)
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>* I've been doing DIY for this woman in return for sexual favours. The other day she gave me a handjob because I fixed her skirting board.Today I put up some shelves so she gave me a blowjob. Tomorrow I'm going to do her back door.
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>(Mark Olver)
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Bono can't count - on Vertigo he goes, "Uno, dos, tres, catorce", which in Spanish is 1, 2, 3, 14. So maybe there isn't a problem in Africa - Bono just miscounted.
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>(Al Pitcher)
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Before I got into comedy I was a plumber for 150 years - although that's just an estimate.
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>(Gordon Southern)
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I've always been very pessimistic. I'm like a German vegetarian. I fear the wurst.
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>(Andy Zaltzman)
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>* I had a great business plan: I was going to build a bungalow for some dwarves. There was one tiny flaw.
 
BEEFY - 5/9/2006 12:00

My girlfriend's just had a little boy. It's a miracle! To think that my sperm would join together with her egg! I mean, I only came on her tits.
Click to expand...

love it
 
With the high price of gas, a station in Tennessee was trying to make
the high cost of gas worth the cost so the owner put up a sign saying,
"Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his
free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed
8, and the proprietor said, "You were close; the number was 7. Sorry, no
sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in
for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again
gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The
redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was
4. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba
replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged, my wife won twice
last week."
 
Did you hear about the man who put his condom on back to front ?

He Went !


What do you call a gay Termite ??


A Woodpecker
 
What do you call a black man flying an aeroplane?

A pilot you racist bastard!

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What do you call a bluenose opening a bottle of champagne?

A waiter
 
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached
her and said:

"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied:

"Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.

 
This gorilla walks into a bar.

The barman says "what do you want, mate?", to which the gorilla replies "I'll have a pint of lager".

The barman says "That'll be £5 please. If you don't mind me saying, we don't get many gorillas in here".

The gorilla says "At £5 a pint, i'm not surprised!"

 
Whay are Japan and Korea always at war with each other?

Because neither side can say sorry!
 
If your feeling a bit down then just watch one of these clips and your sure to chuckle. There some Ali G and Borat sketches, some old and some new.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-MIwh7I4Ck&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pux4OC03ewA&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOZlJiOvXsU&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHPGTuQeHHM&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z0g-xHXNXw&mode=related&search=







http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKnHf-qy1_A&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oLzXFcCY3s&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-2xqI4QZVA&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_re-Qg-C6s4&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tcl7logpdw&mode=related&search=


 
A true story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter, a mouse and a cat

There is a moral to this story, but not exactly the one most of us are expecting!

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him!"

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear
grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time)' "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly ... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse.. The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.
 
Whats the difference between a French woman and a basketball team?

The basketball team have a shower after four periods!
 
Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Doreen agreed and again they made love.

Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die?" She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four Hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

"Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
 
Peg, the tree hugging greenie, purchased a huge tract of timbered land in south west Tasmania to save it from being clear felled.

There was a very tall tree on the highest point of her property. She
wanted to see all of her land so she began climbing the tree in a 'bear hug' fashion. As she neared the top she was suddenly attacked by an angry possum. In a panic to escape she let loose her grip with her arms and legs and slid down the trunk at ever increasing speed.

Consequently she managed to get many splinters in the area of her
private parts. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor
who worked in the local logging camp nearby. He calmly listened to her story and then told her to go into the examination room where he would try to help her. She went into the room and sat down with much discomfort, and she waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
Outraged Peg demanded "What took you so long?"

The unperturbed doctor replied "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Authority, The Forestry Commission and the
Department of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
 
Go to this link and press play but make sure no kids about. Its a song but language a bit strong

http://www.backingblair.co.uk/london_underground/
 
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off
all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not
haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed
Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when
your face look Ed Zachary like your butt ."
 
BEEFY - 18/9/2006 13:34

Borat buys a house...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ajm45QLHPA
Click to expand...

Thanks for that one Beefy. I haven't laughed so much in ages. I've got tears streaming down my face. Absolute classic.
 
Not certain if I've posted this before...

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did, and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."

He did, and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid..."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

 
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