Joke | Page 37 | Vital Football

Joke

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
 
I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called "Responsibly"

That way everyone in the country can get shit faced drinking responsibly.

And all the other drinks makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan "please drink resonsibly"

Probably will piss off the government as well.
 
A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.

She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"

He says: "No, but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch."

"That's not a record is it?"

"It is for a 10 year old."
 
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"

"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
 
glensider - 23/5/2009 18:21

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"

"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
Click to expand...

That one even made the mrs laugh.
 
one ovary says to the other...

"have you ordered any furniture?"

"no why" is the reply"

"well, there's some scruffy looking ballbag trying to get an organ in here!"
 
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table… whole!” “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “He eats everything in sight, the little b*gger. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff”. He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bottom, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?” “No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a cherry up his bottom, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me”, replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.”

 
Little Suzie walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: “Excuthe me, mithter, where do keep the wittle wabbits?” And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?”

She in turn puts her hand on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: “I don’t fink my pyfon really gives a thit


 
A man licking out a prostitute gets a carrot and a pea stuck in his teeth!!
He jumps up and says “you’ve got bits of veg in your fanny! Are you fcuking sick?!”
“No” the hooker replies. “But I think the bloke before you was!!”


 
I'll get this one in early...

What's the difference between South Korea and a pancake?

I've never seen a pancake that's been nuked by North Korea.
 
Whats the difference between 'light' and 'hard' ?
You can sleep with a light on.

Whats the difference between Or@l sex and @nal sex ?
Or@l sex makes your day, @nal sex makes your whole week.
 
Why are women at parties like parking spaces?






If you get there late all the best ones are taken,

and when no-one is looking, you stick it in the disabled one!
 
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
 
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
 
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
 
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
 
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
 
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
 
I was eagerly anticipating Zoo magazine's spread on Cheryl Cole's twat.

Unfortunately, it turned out to be an article about her husband.
 
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