Joke | Page 109 | Vital Football

Joke

My wife tried to drive to work this morning but she ended up skidding into a lamp post.


There's no snow here, she's just a really shit driver.
 
Two guys sitting in a pub talking, the rich one says, "I got my wife a diamond ring and a BMW for her birthday. That way if she doesn't like the ring she can take it back in her new car and still be happy."
The poor guy says " I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers, she can fuck herself."
 
Osama bin Laden sent George W. Bush a message to let him know he was still alive. "370HSSU 0773H" Bush was baffled and the CIA.FBI and NSA couldn't decipher the message, so they asked MI6 for help. Within a minute they are told, "Tell the president he's holding the message upside down."
 
A mother overhears her young son playing with his train set. "All of you bastards alighting fuck off, all you bastards boarding, hurry up and get the fuck on." Mother sends him to his room until he learns to be polite to the passengers. Two hours later he is allowed to play with his train set again and Mother hears, "Those disembarking mind your step and have a nice day. Those boarding enjoy your journey and those of you upset at the two hour delay, blame the fat **** in the kitchen."
 
Two flea's on a fanny, ones a burgler and ones a junkie, how do you tell them apart?
The burglers hiding in the bush and the junkie's sniffing the crack.
 
My girlfriend just found out that she was adopted. She was devasted and just kept asking "why didnt they want me ?"
I took her in my arms and comforted her. After a while, still crying, she kissed me and asked me to make love to her...which led to even more tears.

On reflection, shagging her up the arse whilst screaming "WHO's YOUR DADDY?" was probably a little insensitive.
 
I went on Ask.com and put in the question,

"I'm playing Gran Turismo 5, what is the quickest way of making money?"

The reply came back,

"Stop playing video games and get a job!"
 
The wife just gave me a massive bollocking for throwing a snowball at our son.

To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward.
 
A nun goes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear her confession:

"Last night I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Conner came to me and told me that i had the gates of heaven here between my legs. Thne he said he had the Key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates".

"Bastard" cries Mother Superior, " For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing it!".
 
Every year Black Ice cause nothing but falls, crashes and lots of pain and sadness for many throughout the country.

Despite that though, its still not as big a twat as its brother Vanilla.
 
43 people were found stuck to the walls and ceiling of the Dublin train station this morning.

The police think that Irish Muslims have set off the first 'No More Nails' bomb.
 
How can you tell if a blondes been using the computor?
There's tipp-ex on the screen.
How do you know if two blondes have been using the computor?
There's writing on the tipp-ex.
 
If you must tell Irish jokes, 58, at least make them vaguely funny! (Glensider would be a good role model in that connection.)

Now an English joke.

Q. Why don't they have Christmas at Oxford University?
A. They can't find a virgin and three wise men.

 
Q. Why don't they have Christmas at Trinity College Dublin?
A. They can't find a virgin and three wise men.


That better Steff?!? :14:
 
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