Joke | Page 7 | Vital Football

Joke

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
 
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research
project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute
requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two
acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable
illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A wisecracking
student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up "But
what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would
expect,the class exploded in laughter. When the students finally
settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look.
"Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your
other hand".
 
A very depressed man walked into a bar and ordered a
triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the
drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is
something wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I
got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.

"Wow", exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a
second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed such a
stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man
finished the second scotch, the curious bartender asked
"So, what did you do?"

"Well, I walked over to my wife, looked her straight in
the eye and told her that we were through," the man
continued, "Then, I told her to pack her stuff and to
get the hell out."

"Good for you," said the bartender, "but what about
your best friend?"

"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye,
and said, 'Bad dog!'"
 
Four women were playing golf.
The first teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward
a foursome of men.
One of the men immediately grabbed his crotch and fell to the ground in agony.

The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help," she begged.
"I'm a professional physiotherapist, and I can quickly relieve your pain."

"No, I'll be okay, just give me a minute,"
he said, as he rolled on the ground in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands over his crotch.

The woman persisted and insisted she could help, so the man finally agreed.
She gently took his hands away from his crotch.
Then, she loosened his pants and began to gently massage his privates.

"Does that feel better?" she asked.

"It feels great," he said, "but my thumb still hurts like crazy."
 
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
 
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
 
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say


"Wow! Look at that S-car go!"


:hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:
 
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

 
What are the differences between Bagpipes and a trampoline?






Bagpipes are more fun to jump on.

 
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and
hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a
woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you
feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told
me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom."
 
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed
there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a
sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that
he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill
came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once
that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong,
Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how
I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the
pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."
 
Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their
engagement so he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well, then, is it sex?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"...Sue me for child support."

 
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse,
which was followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking
solemnly along, followed by a dog, andthen about 200 men walking
in single file.Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the
second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"Mywife", the man replied. "Im sorry", said Dave, "What happened
to her?" "My dog bit her and she died."Dave then asked who was
in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law, my dog
bit her and she diedas well. "Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line," replied the man.
 
You Know You're Growing Older When...
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

A funeral director calls and makes idle conversation, asking how you feel.

After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a
second coat.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun, hitting your bifocals.

The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You argue with your best friend about which denture adhesive is better.

You feel like the morning after, yet you haven't even been anywhere.

You find TV ads for new laxatives interesting.

You find yourself taking pleasure in comparative shopping cemetery lots.

You get out of the shower and are glad the mirror is all fogged up.

You go to visit a friend in the hospital and the emergency room staff comes
toward you with a wheelchair.

You have breakfast in bed as a necessity rather than as a luxury.

You look in the mirror and see one of your parents.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

You stop buying natural foods, because you need all the preservatives you
can get.

You've got it all together, but you don't remember what to do with it.

Your favourite feature in the newspaper is "Twenty-Five Years Ago Today."

Your pharmacist offers to carry the bag of medicines to the car for you.


 
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does
not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each
one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with
the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure,
pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the
money so I could look pretty for you because I love you
so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD
player, a television and a stereo and gives them to the
man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the
money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the
stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000
to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am
investing the rest of the money for our future because
I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the
women spent the money, and decided to marry the one
with the biggest tits.
 
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"

God Replied,"I didn't recognise you."
 
A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo
Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her
that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills.
The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have
a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" assembly line. The woman happily
accepts.
He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she
should be in at 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" Assembly Line manager comes in and starts
ranting about the woman just hired.
After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly
backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show
him the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are
backed up from here to Kingdom Come.
Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a
roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles.
They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2
marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally
after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and
walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you
misunderstood me yesterday.
What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
 
Everyone farts, admit it or not. Kings fart, queens fart. Edward Lear, the
19th-century English landscape painter, wrote affectionately of a favorite
duchess who gave enormous dinner parties attended by the cream of society.

One night she let out a ripper and, quick as a flash, she turned her gaze
to her stoic butler, standing as always behind her.

"Hawkins!" she cried, "Stop that!"

"Certainly, your Grace," he replied with unhurried dignity. "Which way did
it go?"
 
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the
yard. The
little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its
hole. He says,
"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five bucks you can't.
It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a
can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff
as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the
hairspray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five bucks."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

 
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