The Tim Vine style one liner thread.

[The Fear]

:3: :3: :3: :3:

 

[The Fear]

In fact, I'm stealing that for Facebook!

 

[Ratman]

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks."

I said "Don't mention it."

 

[Ratman]

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

 

[The Fear]

My girlfriend left me because she thinks I’m weird feeling pasta all the time. I’m feeling cannelloni right now

 

[Ratman]

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

 

[Pride of Lions]

“I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”

 

[Pride of Lions]

Conjunctivitis.com – now there's a site for sore eyes...

 

[Pride of Lions]

To anyone who needs a drummer for their band, count me in.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

Limbo champion walks into a bar... he's disqualified.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

Why did the partially sighted man fall into a well? He couldn't see that well.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

The Fear - 4/7/2017 15:25

My girlfriend left me because she thinks I’m weird feeling pasta all the time. I’m feeling cannelloni right now

My wife thought I was crazy when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

 

[The Fear]

Met a Dutchman with sat nav built into his shoes.

Clever clogs.

 

[The Fear]

someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me. Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

I have downloaded this new app. It's great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight.

It's called the Daily Mail.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.