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O/T Jokes
- Thread starter keano_god
- Start date
G
Guest
Guest
HA HA. Nice one Harty. Though I do disagree with the choice of player.
Whats google Pidgeon fancier?
Whats google Pidgeon fancier?
Dimitar Edertov
Vital 1st Team Regular
ars*nal Crumble
INGREDIENTS
Ready Made Crumble Mix
1 German Prune (well passed its sell by date)
4 French Lemons
3 African Melons
1 Spanish Plumb
2 Brazilian Nuts
2 English Gooseberries, if you have them lying around (please note! These fruits are seriously over rated!)
COOKING INSTRUCTIONS
It is recommended that you adhere to the recipe but as it is an ‘ars*nal Crumble’ some cheating is expected
For a good ‘ars*nal’ crumble topping the ingredient need to be well beaten before cooking (5-1 should do it!)
Add all the fruits together in a hot cauldron (Anfield is perfect) and make sure they stew for 90 minutes You will know that they are properly stewed as they will completely break down and lose all of their structure.
Add a generous splash of ‘Chateau Wenger’ whine to add to the sour taste.
Once this has been done cover with the crumble mix and place into a very hot oven (Old Trafford) for a further 90 minutes.
The ‘ars*nal Crumble’ is now complete!!!
ars*nal supporters may find this dish very bitter to swallow!!
If so they can help themselves to a large slice of humble pie which we made earlier!!!
-------------------------------------------------------
^got emailed this from a mate and thought I'd share the fun, LOL
INGREDIENTS
Ready Made Crumble Mix
1 German Prune (well passed its sell by date)
4 French Lemons
3 African Melons
1 Spanish Plumb
2 Brazilian Nuts
2 English Gooseberries, if you have them lying around (please note! These fruits are seriously over rated!)
COOKING INSTRUCTIONS
It is recommended that you adhere to the recipe but as it is an ‘ars*nal Crumble’ some cheating is expected
For a good ‘ars*nal’ crumble topping the ingredient need to be well beaten before cooking (5-1 should do it!)
Add all the fruits together in a hot cauldron (Anfield is perfect) and make sure they stew for 90 minutes You will know that they are properly stewed as they will completely break down and lose all of their structure.
Add a generous splash of ‘Chateau Wenger’ whine to add to the sour taste.
Once this has been done cover with the crumble mix and place into a very hot oven (Old Trafford) for a further 90 minutes.
The ‘ars*nal Crumble’ is now complete!!!
ars*nal supporters may find this dish very bitter to swallow!!
If so they can help themselves to a large slice of humble pie which we made earlier!!!
-------------------------------------------------------
^got emailed this from a mate and thought I'd share the fun, LOL
Attachments
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Guest
Guest
Luvly jubberly
G
Guest
Guest
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
>
> 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded.
>
> 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
>
>
> The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
>
> Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
>
> 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
>
> She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
>
> Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
>
> Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
>
> 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'
>
> She too explains, 'You din na give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
>
> The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'
>
>
> 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded.
>
> 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
>
>
> The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
>
> Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
>
> 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
>
> She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
>
> Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
>
> Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
>
> 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'
>
> She too explains, 'You din na give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
>
> The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'
>
A bloke is out with his mate and gets steamboats and pukes up all over his best shirt.
He gurgles"Look at that!The wife will kill me!"
His mate says"Don't worry mate.Put a £20 note in your shirt top pocket and tell the wife someone else spewed all over you and gave you the £20 to pay for the drycleaning bill."
He says"That's brilliant!I'll do that."
When he eventually gets home his wife lays into him"Look at you !You drunken no good bum!And what's that smell?Oh!My god!You've been sick all over that nice new shirt I bought you!"
He says"No!No!It wasn't me love.Some bloke was sick all over me and if you look in the top pocket of my shirt you'll see he put a £20 note in there to pay for it to be cleaned as an apology."
She roots in the shirt pocket and pulls out the money and says"There's £40 here - two £20 notes."
He says"Oh yeah!I nearly forgot to tell you.He shit in my pants as well!"
He gurgles"Look at that!The wife will kill me!"
His mate says"Don't worry mate.Put a £20 note in your shirt top pocket and tell the wife someone else spewed all over you and gave you the £20 to pay for the drycleaning bill."
He says"That's brilliant!I'll do that."
When he eventually gets home his wife lays into him"Look at you !You drunken no good bum!And what's that smell?Oh!My god!You've been sick all over that nice new shirt I bought you!"
He says"No!No!It wasn't me love.Some bloke was sick all over me and if you look in the top pocket of my shirt you'll see he put a £20 note in there to pay for it to be cleaned as an apology."
She roots in the shirt pocket and pulls out the money and says"There's £40 here - two £20 notes."
He says"Oh yeah!I nearly forgot to tell you.He shit in my pants as well!"
G
Guest
Guest
I like that one. Though I heard it with a judge being the protagonist.
What's green and takes an hour to drink in Barnsley?
A giro cheque
What's green and takes an hour to drink in Barnsley?
A giro cheque
I rear-ended another car this morning. I knew right then and there that it was going to be a bad day.
Anyway, the driver of the other vehicle got out of the car, and wouldn't you know, he was a dwarf.
He looked up at me and said, 'I am not Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, then, which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.
Anyway, the driver of the other vehicle got out of the car, and wouldn't you know, he was a dwarf.
He looked up at me and said, 'I am not Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, then, which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.
G
Guest
Guest
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my arse!"
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my arse!"
A rich guy and a poor guy are talking in the pub.The rich guy says "I bought my wife a diamond ring and a Ferrari for her birthday.If she doesn't like them she can replace them."
The poor guy says"I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday.If she doesn't like the slippers she can go f**k herself!"
The poor guy says"I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday.If she doesn't like the slippers she can go f**k herself!"
oxfordspur
Vital Football Legend
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling EVERYBODY."
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling EVERYBODY."
oxfordspur
Vital Football Legend
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's
sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's
looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's
eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the
horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but
he picks him up again and shows him the
horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under
his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he
can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams
him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's
looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's
eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the
horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but
he picks him up again and shows him the
horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under
his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he
can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams
him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
G
Guest
Guest
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'
After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?'
The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some **** in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.
One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'
After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?'
The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some **** in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.
G
Guest
Guest
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
G
Guest
Guest
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"
