O/T Jokes | Page 36 | Vital Football

O/T Jokes

I saw this car with a sticker on it which said, "I miss Liverpool!" So I smashed the window, stole the radio and left a note on the dashboard saying, "I hope this helps!"

 
MAN's BEST FRIEND.

If you want to know if a dog is man's best friend, try locking your Mrs and the dog in the boot of the car for an hour..... and see who is most pleased to see you when you open the boot.
 
Texting....not always better than a phone call!

Text to mom: "Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"
Text from mom to daughter: “It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.."
Daughter back to mom:"Oh my God, mom.........sorry, I meant to spell gum."
 
Scottish pub quiz!
"And the final question to win the £100 is :

The title of Take That's first album consisted of four words, the first two words were "Take That".

What are the other two words that complete the title ?"


There was a long pause then..





A wee Glasweegan-man stands up and says :

" Was it - "Ya Bastard"...? XD XD
 
***** takes his daughter to the doctor, to get her put on the pill.
Doctor say's "Is she sexually active, she's only 13"
***** says, " No, she just ******* lies there, same as her mother"
 
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
Paddy says "Mick I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Sod that"says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"XD XD XD
 
The passengers on a small plane are a quite surprised when the pilots arrive.

The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a blind dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.

The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.

Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
 
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose Cottage Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
 
“Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.
If I’m not back in 20 minutes, read this message again.”

Love Paddy
 
Two hard of hearing men walk into bar. One called Peter, one called Paul.

PETER..."You get the seats, I'll get the drinks."

PETER..."Two pints of Stella please barman."

BARMAN..."certainly sir that'll be £11.00."

PETER..."******* Hell!, £11.00, that's expensive!."

BARMAN..."Yes, a little pricey, but we do have a band on in here tonight."

PETER..."A band you say?...Is it jazz?."

BARMAN..."No."

PETER..."Is it Blues?."

BARMAN..."Nope."

PETER..."What the fuck is it then?."

BARMAN..."Tonight we have some Country and Weston."

PETER..."Oh, yeah right you are."

Peter picks his drinks up and proceeds to his now seated friend Paul.

PETER..."You owe me £5.50 towards them drinks."

PAUL...£5.50, ******* Hell, that's expensive."

PETER..."Yeah, I know, but they've a band on."

PAUL..."A band?...Is it Jazz?."

PETER..."No."

PAUL..."Is it Blues?."

PETER..."Nope."

PAUL..."What the fuck is it then?."

PETER..."Some ****s from Weston!."
 
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