O/T Jokes | Page 39 | Vital Football

O/T Jokes

1. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
3. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."
4. How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
5. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
6. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
7. I married Miss Right.I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
8. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
9. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
10. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.It is called Wedding Cake.
11. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.
12. Our last fight was my fault; my wife asked me. "What's on the TV?"I said, "Dust!"
13. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
14. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
15. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: Wife Wanted. “The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine."
16. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
17. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, and then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, and then go the refrigerator.
 
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying *****, he's never been out of that back garden."
 
1. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
3. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."
4. How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
5. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
6. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
7. I married Miss Right.I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
8. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
9. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
10. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.It is called Wedding Cake.
11. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.
12. Our last fight was my fault; my wife asked me. "What's on the TV?"I said, "Dust!"
13. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
14. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
15. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: Wife Wanted. “The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine."
16. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
17. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, and then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, and then go the refrigerator.

My wife accused me of smashing the kitchen window. I ducked!
 
What did the cheese say when looking in the mirror? Hello me!

Why does Jeremy Corben like advent calendars? So he can practise opening the door to number 10.

What do you throw away when you need it and grab it back when you are done with it?


.........an anchor


Come on its xmas guys......
 
Harry's one in the jungle was funny about Pav. He said he told him if he didn't play any good he would pull him off at half time. Pav replied ...

Ok but in my Country we usually have oranges !!!
 
2 snowmen in a field... one says to the other, “Can you smell carrots”?
How do snowmen get around? Byicicle.
What’s E.T. Short for? Cos he has little legs.
 
A Valentine joke made me chuckle. Before getting married save a few years of your life.

Pick an ugly bird, give her the keys to the house and car. That's where you will end up anyway.
 
A grandfather is driving home after visiting his grandson. the grandson hears a report on the radio that there is someone driving the wrong way on the divided highway the grandfather has to take home. The grandson calls his grandfather on his cell and says in a bit of a panicked voice "Granddad there's a car driving the wrong way on your highway be careful" The grandfather responds, "There's not just one, there are hundreds!"