O/T Jokes | Page 38 | Vital Football

O/T Jokes

80deg16minW - 12/2/2016 13:43

Greavsie this one is for you....

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.
Click to expand...

Not bad 80!

Bloke dies and floats up to heaven. At the pearly gates he meets god who syas, do me a favour, I need a holiday, can you guard the gates and only let in anyone who can pass a little test. Ok god says the man...at which point god packs his bags and goes off to Scarborough.


A while later a bloke floats up to the pearly gates and the man says 'you can only enter if you answer this correctly'...ok says the man...spell LOVE......l o v e...well done come in. A little while later a woman floats up and he says you can only come in if you answer this correctly...spell peace ...she replies P E A C E....well done, you can come in.

Th next floater happens to be the man's wife...hello she says I have come to join you in heaven...the man again says thats ok, but first you must answer this question correctly...ok says his wife.....


...spell haemorrhoid
 
Tonight we had fish and chips for dinner with trepidation. My girlfriend said their batter was sometimes too thick and heavy.

I convinced her to take the risk. We sat and ate with little conversation and both produced clean plates.

I asked ....how was your batter.... it wasn't heavy she said.

It's your batter....it ain't heavy.....I sung.

She looked at me blankly.

Now I produced this without any time delay, it was instant. Not a smile, a chuckle. Just a derisory ter, her, her.

I am wasted on her.



.








 
Sorry to lower the tone.....

Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog S**t. One says to the other “Do you want to hear a really good joke?”

The other fly replies: “But nothing disgusting like last time, I’m trying to eat here!”
 
I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. I like to help where I can.

 
As a season ticket holder do you think they may have a look at my gout ?

A friend of mine was playing golf with his wife, when she was hit with a ball. He rung the emergency services immediately, and was asked exactly where she was hit. He answered, between the 1st and 2nd hole. The person on the other end of the line replied, there won't be much room for a plaster then !!
 
Celebrating the British......

Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.
Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Speak another language..............
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 
Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end? The English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went to church. The Scots had a closing down sale.

 
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry neighbour, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now sending you a text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I’ve promised her that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.

Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head, killing her instantly. He returned to the den where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-

Hi Bob, this is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typing error on my last text, I expect you worked it out. Anyway, I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ to ‘Wife’. Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards Alan.
 
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

But the problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of driftwood with the parrot.

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'


 
Wife: You’re not listening to me are you?


Husband: That’s no way to start a conversation.
 
A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in
the eye and said,

"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
 
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