Right you lot, don't say I never do anything for you:
Alderman Barnes’s totally objective guide to the Bundesliga.
FC Bayern München
Colours: Red and white
Champions: 29 times
Cup winners: 19 times
The biggest, baddest team in the Bundesliga. Weren’t all that good until a young Franz Beckenbauer was punched in the face when playing Munich’s dominant team TSV 1860, so decided to sign for their rivals Bayern, who then put together a locally raised team that went on to dominate Europe. After that, they no longer relied on local players but developed the tactic of promoting club legends to senior positions in the firm and buying up all their closest rivals’ best players. Champions for 9 out of the past 10 seasons.
Niceness factor: 1
English equivalent: Manchester United squared
Borussia Dortmund
Colours: Yellow and black
Champions: 8 times
Cup winners: 4 times
The favourite for romantics who can’t bring themselves to support a proper underdog. The legendary Yellow Wall, “You’ll Never Walk Alone”, Jürgen Klopp. You can see where I’m going here.
Niceness factor: 4
English equivalent: Liverpool
RB (that’s Rasenballsport, not Red Bull, oh no, certainly not) Leipzig
Colours: White and red
Champions: 0 times
Cup winners: 0 times
Franchise outfit of a disgusting Austrian energy drink that pounced on the moribund football scene in Leipzig like a parasitic wasp, bought a village team, built a huge stadium in town and bought its way all the way up to the top. Inevitably praised by establishment pundits as the sensible way forward in an attempt to normalise that sort of behaviour.
Niceness factor: -10
English equivalent: MK Dons to the power of a million
Bayer Leverkusen
Colours: Red and black
Champions: 0 times
Cup winners: 1 time
Used to get moaned at as a chemical factory team pumped up with company money. Now seem positively attractive compared with what’s come along since.
Niceness factor: 2
English equivalent: Middlesbrough
Borussia Mönchengladbach
Colours: White, green and black
Champions: 5 times
Cup winners: 3 times
A proper club from a town that’s not all that big but that has held its own over the years, but were really good in the early 70s.
Niceness factor: 6
English equivalent: Leeds United without having to throw all their medals into the bin.
VfL Wolfsburg
Colours: Green and white
Champions: 1 time
Cup winners: 1 time
Like Leverkusen, but for cars instead of chemicals.
Niceness factor: 2
English equivalent: Coventry
Eintracht Frankfurt
Colours: Red and black
Champions: 1 time
Cup winners: 5 times
Perennial exciting underachievers. Occasionally have really good squads that tragically come second.
Niceness factor: 6
English equivalent: Tottenham
Werder Bremen
Colours: Green and white
Champions: 4 times
Cup winners: 6 times
Another provincial club who have always done well, especially under long-serving, charismatic managers like Otto Rehhagel.
Niceness factor: 8
English equivalent: Nottingham Forest (I know)
TSG Hoffenheim
Colours: Blue
Champions: 0 times
Cup winners: 0 times
Another test-tube village club, but at least their sugar-daddy actually used to play for them, rather than picking them for optimum demographic suitability.
Niceness factor: 1
English equivalent: Fleetwood Town cubed
Fortuna Düsseldorf
Colours: Red and white
Champions: 1 time
Cup winners: 2 times
Perennial yo-yo club who’ve been through hard times, nice to see them back up.
Niceness factor: 6
English equivalent: Wolverhampton Wanderers
Hertha Berlin
Colours: Blue and white
Champions: 2 times
Cup winners: 0 times
Perennial capital-city underachievers, prone to comedy fuck-ups wherever possible.
Niceness factor: 5
English equivalent: West Ham United
Mainz 05
Colours: Red and white
Champions: 0 times
Cup winners: 0 times
Agreeable provincial triers.
Niceness factor: 6
English equivalent: Southampton
SC Freiburg
Colours: Red and black
Champions: 0 times
Cup winners: 0 times
Agreeable provincial triers, but from a university town.
Niceness factor: 6
English equivalent: Oxford United in the 1980s
Schalke 04
Colours: Blue and white
Champions: 7 times
Cup winners: 8 times
Coal-mining, massive tradition, huge support, haven’t won anything since the thirties despite regular hilariously heart-breaking near-misses.
Niceness factor: 6
English equivalent: obviously Newcastle United
FC Augsburg
Colours: Red, green and white
Champions: 0 times
Cup winners: 0 times
Here we go again. More agreeable provincial triers.
Niceness factor: 6
English equivalent: Ipswich?
1.FC Köln
Colours: White and red
Champions: 3 times
Cup winners: 4 times
The people of Cologne are delighted by their own sense of humour and never stop going on about it.
Niceness factor: 5
English equivalent: Everton
SC Paderborn
Colours: Blue and black
Champions: 0 times
Cup winners: 0 times
Small-town club completely out of their depth.
Niceness factor: 9
English equivalent: because of the black and blue stripes, Hess-era Gills
1. FC Union Berlin
Colours: Red and white
Champions: 0 times
Cup winners: 0 times (GDR cup 1968)
Berlin’s alternative team, focus of East German opposition, fans built their own stadium.
Niceness factor: 8
English equivalent: unfortunately Charlton, but not such wankers