O/T Fresh Jokes...
- Thread starter Spursex
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Spursex
Alert Team
You need a new source of jokes.
Ok, what do you get if you eat a meal with uncooked beans and raw onions?
Tear gas.
Greavswasthegreatest
Vital Football Legend
This is betterer
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
steveperryman
Vital Football Legend
Did you hear about the time when Spurs were top of the league?
Spursex
Alert Team
Four old Catholic men, and an old Catholic woman were having coffee, in St. Peter’s Square.
One of the men said “My son is a priest; when he comes into a room, the men all call him ‘Father.’”
Another man said “My son is a Bishop; when he enters a room, the men call him ‘your Grace.’”
The 3rd man said “My son is a Cardinal; when he walks into a room, the men call him ‘your Eminence.’”
The final man proudly said “My son is the Pope; when he comes into a room, men call him “your Holiness.’”
They looked at the woman, who slowly gave them a small smile. She said “My daughter is 26 years old, stands 5’8” tall, weighs 120 lbs, and has measurements of 38, 23, 36. When she walks into a room, all the men say ‘Jesus!’”
One of the men said “My son is a priest; when he comes into a room, the men all call him ‘Father.’”
Another man said “My son is a Bishop; when he enters a room, the men call him ‘your Grace.’”
The 3rd man said “My son is a Cardinal; when he walks into a room, the men call him ‘your Eminence.’”
The final man proudly said “My son is the Pope; when he comes into a room, men call him “your Holiness.’”
They looked at the woman, who slowly gave them a small smile. She said “My daughter is 26 years old, stands 5’8” tall, weighs 120 lbs, and has measurements of 38, 23, 36. When she walks into a room, all the men say ‘Jesus!’”
Spursex
Alert Team
Topical:
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped:
"They won't let me in without a fucking tie!”
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped:
"They won't let me in without a fucking tie!”
Daughter ,,17, texts her Mum , “ Mum , can you help me,? I’ve got cum in my hair and can’t get it out !!!!
Mum replied ,”’Cum ? Don’t worry darling , ive lost count of the amount of times I’ve had cum in my hair, just give it a good wash in a decent shampoo . It always washes out easily”.
Daughter …. “ sorry Mum , it’s that predictive text on my phone again , it was meant to say GUM “
Mum replied ,”’Cum ? Don’t worry darling , ive lost count of the amount of times I’ve had cum in my hair, just give it a good wash in a decent shampoo . It always washes out easily”.
Daughter …. “ sorry Mum , it’s that predictive text on my phone again , it was meant to say GUM “
Barnsleyspur
Vital Squad Member
Are we allowed more disturbing jokes in here or is it PG-13?
give it a go mate ,, it can only get deleted !!!!!
Barnsleyspur
Vital Squad Member
Ooookay then...
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and an expensive Persian rug?
Oh fuck ……. I shouldn’t be asking the reply question here , so I’m not going to !!
I don’t think I want to know !!!
I don’t think I want to know !!!
Greavswasthegreatest
Vital Football Legend
How do you know when your sister's got her period?
Your Dad's dick tastes different.
Your Dad's dick tastes different.
Two blokes in a pub ….. one says … I just found out my wife is having a affair with her boss …I’m gutted .
what do you want to do about it , says the other one .
Im that gutted , I want them both dead , but I don’t know how to do it .
Look Fred , says the other one , I know a bloke who knows a bloke who is a Hit Man , I will have a word ….
So he does , and Fred meets the Hit Man .
Fred knows his wife’s trysts are held at the bosses caravan , so he meets the HitMan there .
How much will you charge me ,
Its a thousand pound a bullet , he says .
Ok says Fred , I will have two , …..I want her shot between the eyes , for even looking for somebody else …and I want him shot in the three piece suite for putting it in my wife .
Ok says the Hit Man
so they sit and wait and eventually the pair turn up and start to get amorous.
The Hit Man gets in a good position and keeps his rifle trained on the pair for ages .
Fred is getting very nervous and wants the job done , Come on he says , hurry up ,
Wait Waif , be patient he says .
What’s up , can’t you see anything ?
My sight telescope is the best in the business, I can see everything
they are doing in great detail.
Then hurry up man , I can’t stand this ….. or are you being a pervert first !
Will you shut up for a second , you idiot …….. in two minutes time I’m going to save you a thousand pounds .
what do you want to do about it , says the other one .
Im that gutted , I want them both dead , but I don’t know how to do it .
Look Fred , says the other one , I know a bloke who knows a bloke who is a Hit Man , I will have a word ….
So he does , and Fred meets the Hit Man .
Fred knows his wife’s trysts are held at the bosses caravan , so he meets the HitMan there .
How much will you charge me ,
Its a thousand pound a bullet , he says .
Ok says Fred , I will have two , …..I want her shot between the eyes , for even looking for somebody else …and I want him shot in the three piece suite for putting it in my wife .
Ok says the Hit Man
so they sit and wait and eventually the pair turn up and start to get amorous.
The Hit Man gets in a good position and keeps his rifle trained on the pair for ages .
Fred is getting very nervous and wants the job done , Come on he says , hurry up ,
Wait Waif , be patient he says .
What’s up , can’t you see anything ?
My sight telescope is the best in the business, I can see everything
they are doing in great detail.
Then hurry up man , I can’t stand this ….. or are you being a pervert first !
Will you shut up for a second , you idiot …….. in two minutes time I’m going to save you a thousand pounds .
