Christmas Jokes

[rybel_b]

Q. Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A. Because they were two deer!

Mary and Joseph....they now have a stable relationship!

Q. What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
A. The One show!

Q. What did Santa do when he went speed dating?
A. He pulled a cracker!

Q. Why don't you ever see Santa in hospital?
A. Because he has private elf care!

Q. How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
A. They had a weigh in a manger!

Q. Why is it getting harder to buy advent calendars?
A. Because their days are numbered!

Q. How do you know if Santa's been in your garden shed?
A. You've got three extra hoes!

Q. Why was the Brussels sprout send to prison?
A. Because it was a repeat offender!

:17:

 

[rybel_b]

Q. Why did Rudolph have the complete works of Shakespeare on his top lip?
A. Because his nose was well red!

Q. Why are there no jokes about turkey giblets?
A. Because the punch lines are offal!!

Q. What operating system do Advent Calendars use?
A. Windows 24!

Q. What's the only thing Santa hates more than political correctness?
A. Elf and safety!

Woke up to see a touch of frost on the front lawn.
Quite rude, I thought the DVD box set was a good present!

Q. Why can't you wash up during Christmas?
A. Because the Fairy is on top of the tree!

Q. What happened when the snowmans dog melted?
A. He had a slush puppy!

Q. What is the reindeers favourite reality dance TV contest?
A. Strictly Come Prancing!

Q. What do you get if the Governor of the Bank of England and George Osborne pull a cracker?
A. Very little interest!

Q. Why does Liam Gallagher avoid going to France at Christmas?
A. Because it's all about Noel!

 

[rybel_b]

My mum opened her Christmas present from me and pulled out a load of leaves and vines.
That's the last time I order from Amazon!

Q. What do recovering chocoholics have during Christmas?
A. Cold turkey!

Q. Will Father Christmas launch an on-line alternative to his usual delivery service?
A. He's toying with the idea!

Q. What is the favourite TV programme of Father Christmas?
A. The Xmas Factor!

Q. What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with an electronic book reader?
A. A Kris Kindle!

Q. What is the favourite TV programme of Mrs. Claus?
A. The Only Way is Xmas!

My dad got an Apple and a Blackberry for Christmas.
He was peachless!

Q. Why did Jesus lock down his Twitter account?
A. Because he only wanted 12 followers!

and finally:

Q. Why did Harry Styles fail at being Santa?
A. Because he can only use the chimney in One Direction!!

 

[diggerman]

Did you hear the joke on corrie ?

What sort of pizza does Good King Wenceslas like?

Deep PAN , crisp and even.

 

[herringthorpe]

What kind of bug hates Christmas?
A humbug!