If it's a boy it will be sent to Public School where it will be forced to take part in the following:
1. Hide and Seek. The boys all have to put their pyjama bottoms on back to front and cower in the cupboard, praying that the Games Master doesn't choose them for some extra tuition in 'manly hygiene'.
2. Beating the new boy. The newest member of the house runs the gauntlet, scampering naked between two lines of boys who each swipe at him with whatever comes to hand (comic book, bar-of-soap-in-a-towel, genitalia).
3. The inheritance game. Each boy writes down how much he is actually worth. Categories include:
a. Land. Double points if it is in Scotland, triple points if it IS Scotland.
b. Industrial stuff (factories, mills etc). Minus points if he owns a coal-mine in 'the north', quadruple points if he owns a natural gas reserve in the Ukraine.
c. People ('ownership of' not 'friends with').
d. Influence. When they watch an uprising on telly (eg Syria), is their initial reaction to say: "I say, uncle Crispin and his chums have been busy."
4. The 'pretending to be normal' game. The boys attempt behaviours synonymous with people of a lower social status such as:
a. Supporting a football team.
b. Affecting a regional/colonial accent.
c. Having crockery that is too thick.
d. Saying 'excuse me' instead of 'you there'.
e. Pretending to like Andy Murray.
f. Being nice to women.
He will also have to make friends with:
Tarquin Henley-Regatta
Peterkin Swot-Tory
Charles 'Charlie' Charles
Humphreygard 'Soggy' Biscuit
Prince Zum-bu-lele of the People's Democratic Republic of Zaire (phh, new money).
Well, probably. It's a good rumour to start...