How about a fast unknown foreign alice band wearing black lad that's also an over the hill ex-Prem striker?
There has to be someone out there?!?!
I have shortlisted the following that are close to the above requirements:
BAFETIMBI GOMIS
FAST: Not particularly, but not slow either. Did score the fastest ever CL hat trick though.
UNKNOWN: Not exactly a household name, but has been capped by France and played in the CL.
FOREIGN: Check - French.
ALICE BAND: Not really, but sometimes is spotted with some kind of tying device for his hair.
OVER THE HILL: Check - 33
EX-PREM: Check - former Swansea
JO
FAST: Not really, but not slow either.
UNKNOWN: Known as one of the worst ever strikers to play in the PL.
FOREIGN: Check - Brazilian.
ALICE BAND: Very rarely, but is fond of wearing snoods, which is a plus point in his favour.
OVER THE HILL: Some may argue at 32, but I would say, Yes.
EX-PREM: Check - former Man City and Everton
LOIC REMY
FAST: Yes, still pretty fast actually.
UNKNOWN: Actually, probably quite well known. 4 Prem clubs, 30 caps for France including World Cup appearances.
FOREIGN: Check - French.
ALICE BAND: Again, no, but not averse to some kind of tying device and fond of snoods.
OVER THE HILL: 32 - possibly not. Still playing fairly regular Ligue 1.
EX-PREM: Check - former QPR, Newcastle, Chelsea and Crystal Palace
EDER
FAST: Not bad for a big lad.
UNKNOWN: Yes, completely, up until he scored the winner in the final of the Euros.
FOREIGN: Check - Portuguese.
ALICE BAND: No, again we're looking at the occasional tying device.
OVER THE HILL: 31 and playing fairly regularly in the Russian PL so possibly not.
EX-PREM: Check - ex-Swansea.
GERVINHO:
FAST: Yes. Fast af.
UNKNOWN: No, not at all.
FOREIGN: Check - Ivorian
ALICE BAND: Yes, we're talking flipping PEAK Alice Band here chaps.
OVER THE HILL: 32, but still playing regular Serie A
EX-PREM: Check - ex-Arsenal
Does he classify as a striker, though?
So, who is it going to be guys?