The Tim Vine style one liner thread. | Vital Football

The Tim Vine style one liner thread.

neilh111

Vital Football Hero
Come on you puntastic villans...





I have got a one armed butler...He can take it, but he can't dish it out.

 
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."


 
I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
 
Police found my mate dead at the bottom of a lake this morning with a bag tied to his ankles, full of Charles Bronson DVDs. He must have had a depth wish.
 
I thought it was going very well with my new Thai girlfriend, until she stood next to me at the urinals.
 
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me", clearly never heard the phrase, "Is it in yet?"
 
Given that the goal is about the same size as a parking space, I'm thinking that it was no surprise whatsoever that the English womens team were going to struggle with penalties.
 
glensider - 10/7/2011 18:17



Given that the goal is about the same size as a parking space, I'm thinking that it was no surprise whatsoever that the English womens team were going to struggle with penalties.
:3: :3: :3: :1: :1:
 
I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
 
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
 
I faked my own death last week so my wife could claim on my life insurance. My funeral is on Monday, I can't wait, laying in this morgue is so boring.