The Tim Vine style one liner thread.

[glensider]

Those Kenyans think having to travel five miles to find some water is bad? Tell me cabout it. I have to travel six miles to buy coffee, milk and sugar.

 

[glensider]

The world's newest country was formed today. South Sudan has already gone ahead of Scotland in the FIFA world rankings.

 

[glensider]

I went up to a chubby girl last night and said "Loving me is like a rollercoaster". As I saw her blushing, I added "Weight restrictions apply".

 

[glensider]

So I've just finished writing a book that tackles feminism head on, except I can't decide whether to call it "You've missed a spot" or "All in a days work".

 

[Wurzel]

I thought Villa had a shit manager with GH, and then they employed AM!

 

[glensider]

After twelve years of marriage, I've finally found the secret to a happy sex life. Don't let the wife find out how much I'm getting.

 

[glensider]

The captain of the England womens' football team blazed a penalty over the bar, knocking them out of the World Cup. Get back in the kitchen love!

No, I'm not being sexist, that's where the ball ended up.

 

[glensider]

I've just tried watching the Owen Hargreaves fitness video on YouTube, and my computer crashed. What are the odds?

 

[glensider]

Womens football - If I wanted to watch a load of women playing with balls, I'd just go on pornhub.

 

[Draig Cymraeg]

My wife was crying during sex the other night.

I shouldn't have phoned her to let her know.

 

[neilh111]

“My wife's carrying our first child…he’s 8, the lazy little fucker!”

 

[neilh111]

My dad is the kind of bloke who could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out

 

[glensider]

I've got a friend who's half British and half Indian. Brian.

 

[glensider]

The Womens World Cup is such a misleading name, the only thing I have seen close to a cup, is the actual trophy!

 

[glensider]

Winning the Women's World Cup, is the equivalent of a man winning the World Washing Up Cup

 

[glensider]

You know you need to get out more when you start recognising the girls on babestation.

 

[Draig Cymraeg]

Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?

 

[coeur_de_lion]

I don't mind being shit on. It's when they rub it in.

 

[neilh111]

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what ... Never again

 

[neilh111]

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said: 'It depends where you're calling from.'