Shouldn’t laugh | Page 288 | Vital Football

Shouldn’t laugh

Didn’t really want to post owt on here for a bit out of respect but I can’t save this and didn’t want to lose it 🫤

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt - I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer
 
Wife:- "How disgraceful of you, going to a prostitute to pay for sex!"
Hubby:- "Wot duz thy expect! we have,nt had the lego,er for 12 months!"
Wife:- "You tight bastard! You mean you would have paid me!"
 
A man walks into a sports bar...

He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV as the 10:00 news comes on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looks over and says “Do you think he'll jump?"

The guy says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replies, "Well, I bet he won't." The fella puts £50 on the bar and says “You're on!"

Just as the blonde places her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge dives off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and hands her £50 to the guy saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

He replies, “I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde says, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again!”
 
Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

Then Johnny and his wife then make passionate love.

When they get done, Johnny gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" Says the wife.

Johnny says. "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

Johnny puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

Johnny says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

Johnny slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks. "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."
 
That description is spot on, especially the description of compo rations where in old days your treat was a packet of "Spangles". Special Forces had a real treat which we called "Growler", tinned sausages, called that cos when you took the lid off and stuck your fingers inside it was just like fingering a wet juicy fanny!
 
Be interesting to see the aftermath of when the result is declared. Red Necks cleaning and sharpening their weapons as we speak, "STAND BY!"
 
BRILL! but on the serious side those bomb disposal lads have balls of steel! I lived out at Deepcar for a while and spent a lot of time out in the cuds on the South Yorkshire penines hunting for WW11 aircraft wrecks of which there are many. A mate of mine was gamekeeper on Midhope Moor grouse shooting land which during WW11 was a yank and Canadian Armoured Vehicle Firing Range which was never cleared after the war, hence live ordnance aplenty hidden in the peat bogs and among,st the heather and and undergrowth. I used to go on and retrieve stuff that was retrievable, de comission it and flog it to the vintage arms dealers. Prior to my mate the gamekeeper allowing me access a geezer from Penistone went on under the radar, collected some ordnance and took it back to his gaff and attempting to defuse it inside his garage, blew his arm off while the roof of his garage disappeared! Apparantly whil,st trying to defuse a live 75 MM tank round he stuck a screwdriver into the detonator and "BANG!" Ofcourse the poor chap is now quite armless!
 
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