Shouldn’t laugh | Page 145 | Vital Football

Shouldn’t laugh

Just for my mate.

One Monday morning a postman (Bulmer) is doing his normal round delivering mail. As he approaches one of the houses on this estate, he notices that both cars are parked in the driveway. Bob, the homeowner, comes out with a shed-full of empty bottles and starts to fill up the bottle bank. “Wow Bob,” says the postman, “looks like you’ve had one hell of a party last night.” Bob, in some pain, replies “Actually the party was on Saturday night and this is the first time I’ve felt like moving since 4am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the estate over for a ‘Rave’ and it got a bit wild. In fact, we all got so drunk that we started playing WHO AM I.” The postman’s curious and asks “What’s that all about then?” “Well,” says Bob, “all the guys go into the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women have to try and guess who it is.” The postman laughs and says “Damn, I’m really sorry I missed that game.” “Probably just as well,” Bob responds. “Your name came up four or five times!!”
 
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."