Richard III to pick up where he left off. | Vital Forums

Richard III to pick up where he left off.

Jonah

Vital Football Legend
#1
THE skeleton of Richard III has vowed to re-boot the Wars of the Roses and slaughter his rivals to the throne.

The exhumed king said he was delighted to be back before pledging ‘a torrent of Lancastrian blood that will turn the mill-wheels of Preston’. ‘Also, I have no organs and am invincible’

He added: “I want to check out the Leicester restaurant scene, catch up on some paperwork and then disembowel all those who would deny my claim.

“I have also ordered a horse off the internet.”

The last king of the House of York revealed that having a curved spine and a club foot is a lot easier to cope with when you are just a skeleton.

“The hunchback was mostly fat. Now it’s gone I’m very nimble. But I am still really angry, so I guess it wasn’t all about the hump.

“I’ve read a couple of articles saying that I was actually quite nice and that Shakespeare was unfair.

“He wasn’t. I am fucked up and I am coming to get your children.”

Jane Thomson, from Stevenage, said: “Excellent. I was hoping this would activate some ancient curse that would wipe out half the country.”

Richard III added: “My friend Dan Snow tells me you are now ruled by Germans. We shall see about that.”


 

Jonah

Vital Football Legend
#2
Social climber Pippa Middleton is reportedly in the tentative stages of a relationship with King Richard III after a facial reconstruction revealed the former monarch to be a ‘bit of a dish’.

Middleton, 29, is keen to rejoin the dating scene after failing to secure the affections of Prince Harry and has been seen staring wistfully at portraits of the King ever since he was unearthed.

Indeed such is the lure of a place in the royal family, the society girl is prepared to overlook the King’s various shortcomings such as his lack of a pulse or any major functioning organs.

And according to dating experts, the society girl is unlikely to be the first of her kind to find love in a car park.

The King has thus far maintained a dignified silence over the rumours and is clearly playing his cards close to his exposed ribcage.

But historians claim that although the King spent much of his time feasting and fighting, he also had an eye for a nice arse.

Richard was 32 at the time of his death at the Battle of Bosworth -just three years older than Pippa, making him the ideal age.

Royal Correspondent Jenny Mills told us ‘The King is surely conscious of the fact that their relationship might kick up a bit of a stink.”

Middleton, meanwhile, has been accused of being fussy after insisting that the man she calls ‘Richy 3’ receives a full body reconstruction before taking things to the next level.

Last night sister Kate said, “They don’t want to rush things but she’s obviously got the hots for him.”

“Although it could just be smallpox.”


 

BBJ

Vital Champions League
#4
So that's who it was! I wondered who the skeleton was, wandering around Chorley market yesterday. The fact that he picked up a couple of white fleeces (£15 for the two) is now beginning to make sense.
 

Pride of Lions

Vital Football Legend
#5
At least he can keep his eye on any possible Muslim insurgents now he's back in Leicester...... Probably while he has a curry up the Narborough Road..... Lol
 

BBJ

Vital Champions League
#7
HeathfieldRoad1874 - 26/3/2015 15:51

More to the point, why he is he being re-interned by the Church of England? It didn't even exist when he was alive, and he was a Roman Catholic.
He is planning to be baptised into the Anglican communion in the near future.
 
#8
Does he know that, John?

Seriously, though, does it make much difference? Would a RC be upset of the thought of an Anglican ceremony and burial? Or is it all acceptable as long as it is consecrated ground?
 

kefkat

Vital Football Legend
#9
Jonah - 8/2/2013 13:55

THE skeleton of Richard III has vowed to re-boot the Wars of the Roses and slaughter his rivals to the throne.

The exhumed king said he was delighted to be back before pledging ‘a torrent of Lancastrian blood that will turn the mill-wheels of Preston’. ‘Also, I have no organs and am invincible’

He added: “I want to check out the Leicester restaurant scene, catch up on some paperwork and then disembowel all those who would deny my claim.

“I have also ordered a horse off the internet.”
Would that be a Trojan horse? :117:
 

BBJ

Vital Champions League
#11
HeathfieldRoad1874 - 26/3/2015 16:16

Does he know that, John?

Seriously, though, does it make much difference? Would a RC be upset of the thought of an Anglican ceremony and burial? Or is it all acceptable as long as it is consecrated ground?
It used to matter but I think it's much more relaxed nowadays.
 

BBJ

Vital Champions League
#12
HeathfieldRoad1874 - 26/3/2015 16:16

Does he know that, John?

Seriously, though, does it make much difference? Would a RC be upset of the thought of an Anglican ceremony and burial? Or is it all acceptable as long as it is consecrated ground?
It used to matter but I think it's much more relaxed nowadays.
 
#13
BBJ - 26/3/2015 16:55

HeathfieldRoad1874 - 26/3/2015 16:16

Does he know that, John?

Seriously, though, does it make much difference? Would a RC be upset of the thought of an Anglican ceremony and burial? Or is it all acceptable as long as it is consecrated ground?
It used to matter but I think it's much more relaxed nowadays.
Thanks for that. You learn something new every day.

I do think it is ironic that he is being buried by a religion formed by his mortal enemies!!! I'm sure he would be delighted.