O/T Fresh Jokes... | Page 14 | Vital Football

O/T Fresh Jokes...

(1) Was on a train the other day when the geezer next to me pulled out a photo of his wife and said.."aint she beautiful?"

Me I said "I think you ought to see mine!"

He replied "why is she beautiful also?"

Me I said "no she is an Optician!"

(2) Bought an item off of Ebay the other day

While waiting I checked the "Tracker" system, on which I noticed "any other info for delivery?"

I wrote "on delivery give it to the Dog!"

Next day a knock on the door for the delivery to be made, my wife answered the door...

Delivery man says to her "I have give this to the dog!"

WOOF! she replied.

Ok I know I will get my coat lol! only the best oldies!
 
A friend of mine said that he wanted to improve his golf.

I suggested that he should go on a course. Seriously, that's what I said.

He didn't get it. "What course, where?" he said.

I split my sides, virtually ended up crying. Dead ants on the floor involuntary response type laughing...

Then the penny dropped.

"You ****** !!!" he then called me...

Oh well, not everyone can laugh at themselves!
 
One of my favourite classic jokes here
Paddy is a bit lonely, so decides to get him self a pet
Goes to the shop and gets a centipede.
The two are getting on like a house on fire.
So one night Paddy says do you fancy going down the pub for a few jars?
The centipede promptly gets up and goes into his room.
Half an hour later Paddy wondered if he'd offended the centipede and asked, I only wanted to know if you wanted to go down for a drink?
The centipede replies yup I heard you but I'm still putting me fekin shoes on.
 
Two rather drunk people are leaving their local Irish pub and are bragging to a tourist about the amount of fish in the local stream. The tourist essentially tells them they are full of shit and one of the drunks says watch, me friend here will hang me over the bridge over there by me ankles and I will pull up a fish with me hands. The tourist says, 20 pounds if you can do that. They proceed to the bridge and one drunk holds the other by the ankles over the bridge. After a couple of minutes the drunk holding the ankles says yer gettin' heavy have you got anything yet? The hanging drunk says no I don't but pull me up quick there's a naffing train coming.
 
I thought I had better share this with you....

It has and was recommended that using Horse manure makes your Strawberries tastier!
Unfortunately I discovered it does not!
So its back to Double Cream for me.
 
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