Monday joke (ng) | Page 9 | Vital Football

Monday joke (ng)

You have to be really careful these days travelling on the train especially with covid! I thought the guy behind he had coughed on my neck! Luckily it was just spunk!
 
Subject: SCAM WARNING
BE CAREFUL IF SHOPPING IN ASDA OR TESCO'S

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Asda for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends....
...
Here's how the scam works: ...Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to the town centre.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On January 1st, 4th, 6th and twice yesterday. So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch, and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. Sainsburys have cheap wallets on sale for £1.45 each but Asda wallets are £2.25 and look better​
 
Old joke, short version.

John's not been feeling well. Goes to the doctor with his wife. After the consult, the doctor asks the wife if she can stay behind and talk privately. John's really ill, says the doctor. He's going to need constant physical and emotional care and attention otherwise he'll die. Dear God, says the wife, I had no idea it was so bad. Thanks for telling me. She goes out to John in the waiting room. What did he say, asks John. John, the wife says, you're going to die.
 
Last edited:
Ordering a Pizza in 2022 CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut? GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month. CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have. GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza! GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir. CALLER: How the hell do you know that? GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. CALLER: I paid in cash. GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER: I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law! CALLER: WHAT THE HELL! GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me. GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago... Welcome to the future.
 
A Tory MP, a labourer and a benefit claimant are sitting at a table. On the table is a plate containing 20 biscuits. The Tory takes 19 biscuits and says to the labourer, "Watch out, the benefit claimant is trying to take your biscuit!
Thank you Nish Kumar but ........

Booo !!

Get off!

It is a joke thread.