Monday joke (ng) | Page 6 | Vital Football

Monday joke (ng)

A short story from the missing persons bureau:-

*Husband*: My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*: What is her height?

*Husband*: Well, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*: Colour of eyes?

*Husband*: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*: Colour of hair?

*Husband*: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

*Sergeant*: Has she any form of transport?

*Husband*: She went in my Car

*Sergeant*: Was there anything of value in the car?

*Husband*: Yes, my golf clubs Titleist TS3 9 degree driver with Tensei Orange TX flex CK60 with 74 Tungsten Prepreg shaft Titleist TS3 15 degree Fairway wood with Hzrdus 6.5x 76g shaft Titleist 3-4 718 TMB irons with Nippon modus 120 x shafts Titleist 718 AP2 irons 5-50deg with nippon modus 120 x shafts Titleist Vokey Sm8 52,56 & 60 degree wedges Scotty Cameron Newport 2.5 35 inch putter with Superstroke Pistol GT tour Skull grip Titleist mid Staff bag Nikon range finder 12 x pro V1s 3 x Titleist players Golf gloves Titleist towel Alignment sticks and Stitch leather cover With a Lytham Saint Anne’s Club tag
 
Minnesota joke -think Fargo for accents

The patriarch is dying. The family gathered around his bed.

Is every one here Momma?
Ja Poppa. Der all here.
Is Hans here, Momma?
Ja Poppa, Hans is here.
Is Karen here, Momma?
Ja Poppa, Karen is here.
Are de kids here, Moma?
Ja ja, Poppa. De kids are here. Everyone's here Poppa.
So why's the kitchen light on?
 
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

Before anyone says anything I fortunately had a nasty fall on the very first meeting which meant that I was forced to cancel the rest of the course.
 
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