Monday joke (ng) | Page 3 | Vital Football

Monday joke (ng)

shotshy said:
A thief is breaking in to fabric shops in the Medway area.
According to the store locations, the police suspect some sort of pattern.
Click to expand...
About 20 years ago, whilst on nights in Greenwich, we received a call at about 2am about a large sinkhole opening up on Blackheath Hill. On arriving at the scene, I informed the control room that we had arrived and I couldn't resist adding that we were "looking into it". 😁😁
 
A friend of mine who retired as a very senior policeman admits that in his younger days he stopped a speeding car on the M2. Walking up to the drivers door the window was wound down. "Do you know what speed you were doing Sir?" he asked. The reply quickly came, "No, but shouldn't you ask the driver?" Yes, it was a left hand drive car.
 
My mate who works for McLaren in Surrey was driving to work one morning on the 25 when pulled over for speeding. He said he was really motoring as he was a bit late.
The Officer walked to the drivers window and tapped it.
My mate wound it down and the officer said “having a bit of trouble getting it off the ground Sir”
My mate pissed his self laughing and took the ticket.
Absolutely true story 😁
 
I was lying in bed with the a woman one morning and all I said was that she didn't seem to have been as attentive to me as usual during sex the night before.
"Any more complaining" she said "and you and the rest of your football team mates can f*** off".
 
This chap has a bad car accident, and wakes up in A&E. He looks down at his lower body, and he has lost all that he holds dear. He is distraught. Just then, the consultant comes in and says: "You are very lucky, because you have come to the only hospital in the country that can do that sort of transplant, and we have three in the fridge, ready to go. It's not on the NHS, however, but we can help you. We have the standard English - polite, well behaved and tidy - £2000; or we have the Scottish - lived all its life in the fresh air under a kilt - £3000; or we have the classic West Indian - £5000. What would you like?" The chap thinks and says: "Well, I can't make any financial decisions without my wife." "OK," says the consultant, "We'll bring her in and you can have a chat about it. I'll be back in a few minutes." He leaves them to discuss his options. A few minutes later, the consultant comes back and says: "So have you decided what you are having?" "Yes - a new kitchen."
 
Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him..He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary: A one-foot putt .. who the hell misses a one-foot putt?
 
Yep.

The best version of that joke ends something like

Her diary

.........I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. We made love, but he still seemed distracted. I rolled over and cried myself to sleep.

His diary

Gills lost 2-0 to MK. Gutted. Got a shag though
 
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