Monday joke (ng)
- Thread starter Suffolk Gills
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valenciagill
Vital Football Hero
Gilles Lingam
Vital Squad Member
ThreeSixes
Vital Football Hero
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer walks into a bank to cash a cheque. At the counter, the cashier asks for his ID.
Solskjaer:"Ah, I didn't bring any ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, manager of Manchester United”.
Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring regarding fraud I really have to see some ID"
Solskjaer: "Look, you can just ask anyone here and they'll confirm who I am. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "OK, I shouldn't do this but there is a way around the problem. One day, Tiger Woods came in without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter, dinked the ball across the bank lobby and made the ball stop dead on a five pound note. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Roger Federer came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where he bounced the ball off all four walls and landed it in my tea mug. With that, we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer?”
Solskjaer:"Ah, I didn't bring any ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, manager of Manchester United”.
Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring regarding fraud I really have to see some ID"
Solskjaer: "Look, you can just ask anyone here and they'll confirm who I am. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "OK, I shouldn't do this but there is a way around the problem. One day, Tiger Woods came in without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter, dinked the ball across the bank lobby and made the ball stop dead on a five pound note. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Roger Federer came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where he bounced the ball off all four walls and landed it in my tea mug. With that, we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer?”
valenciagill
Vital Football Hero
ThreeSixes
Vital Football Hero
My wife gave me an envelope marked "not to be opened until 2024". Inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.
Solent Knight
Vital Squad Member
Bob the local stationmaster, was having a drink at the pub with his mates. ''I had an incredible experience last night,'' he said. ''I saw something lying on the tracks so I went to investigate.'' I found a woman who had been tied to the tracks.
''So what did you do?'' asked his mates.
''I untied her and took her back to my place and made her a strong coffee. Then I poured a couple of drinks and put some soft music on. One thing led to another and I finished up having wild sex with her.
''Was she good looking?'' asked one of his mates.
''Dunno said Bob, ''I couldn't find her head.''
''So what did you do?'' asked his mates.
''I untied her and took her back to my place and made her a strong coffee. Then I poured a couple of drinks and put some soft music on. One thing led to another and I finished up having wild sex with her.
''Was she good looking?'' asked one of his mates.
''Dunno said Bob, ''I couldn't find her head.''
Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,'Mum, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,'Mum, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Fancy Dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem...
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note..
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate"...
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint...
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit...
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part"...
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint...
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple"..
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note..
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate"...
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint...
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit...
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part"...
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint...
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple"..
