Monday joke (ng) | Page 25 | Vital Football

Monday joke (ng)

When an anarchist says “question authority” the reply is “who says?”

To which an anarchist might reply, "Freethinkers!", and/or, "There is no authority but yourself".

I'm not joking!

But maybe I should.....

A man was devastated when his wife told him their son wasn't actually his. She reminded him to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

There's a woman at work who is a mad anti-vaxxer. We call her, "Mrs Doubtpfizer.

I just memorized six pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing.
 
My Brother-in-Law was working on a building site in Greenwich and was approached by an Irish man who asked him the time?
My Brother-in-Law said, ''There's a big clock over there mate''
And the Irish man said, ''Yeah I know there is but its 15mins fast.''

And I kid you not, this is actually true.
 
Hope no-one is offended at this but I found it really quite funny 😇🤣
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin."
 
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Beer in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride my life was"!!!!!

Eat whatever you like because you will still DIE, don't allow motivational speakers to deceive you.
1. The inventor of the treadmill had died at the age of 54.
2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57.
3. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41.
4. The best footballer in the world Maradona, died at the age of 60.

BUT
5. The KFC inventor died at 94.
6. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88.
7. Imagine, cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102.
8. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake.
9. Hennessy Cognac inventor dies at 98.

How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, Chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life because….you will still die.
 
Trevor was half way through his meal when he called the manager over. ''There's a hair in this spaghetti so I'm not paying for it.''
Later that night the manager found Trevor giving one of the waitresses oral sex and said, ''You dont seem to mind a bit of hair now.''
Trevor looked up and replied, ''No but if I find any spaghetti down here I'm not paying for it either.''
 
Asked the doctor to tell me my blood type.

She said: “B Positive”

I said: “I’ll try but I still need to know”

—————————————————

My Mrs accused me of having an affair with that welsh tart from llangrogfromtichgoggogatfrintich.

I said "I don't know how you can say that".

———————————————————

What's the difference between Emma Raducanu and Prince Andrew?

Emma's not scared of an American court.

———————————————————-

They’ve started rehearsing for that new ABBA concert. It was incredibly loud. You could hear the drums from Nando’s

———————————————————-

I went to a restaurant called The Lord Giveth.
He also does take away.

————————————————————

I told my new girlfriend I have a big foot fetish.

She said "great I love having my toes sucked"

Admittedly it was difficult to oblige her in my 8ft tall furry costume.

————————————————————-

I bought a dog from a blacksmith today. As soon as I got home he made a bolt for the door

————————————————————

Someone told me to try horse manure on my rhubarb.

I have to say, I still prefer custard.
 
I will never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle. My heart was beating fast, and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said: "Get that trolley over here, love - they are doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2."
 
''Have you anything to say for yourself?'' asked the judge after hearing the case.
''Fuck all,'' muttered the defendant.
''What did he say?'' asked the judge, who was a bit hard of hearing.
The clerk whispered in the judge's ear. He said ''Fuck all'' your worship.''
''That's funny,'' said the judge, ''I'm sure I saw his lips move.''