Monday joke (ng)

[Deleted member 13556]

Elton John doesnt like lettuce!
He’s more of a rocket man!

 

[PhilK66]

A few one liners

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

My mind works like lightning - one brilliant flash and it's gone.​

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.​

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.​

It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large rubbish bin.​

Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment... for enjoying sex.

​

 

[Trev_GFC]

I came second in a fancy dress competition in my Giraffe costume. I know I didn't win but at least I can hold my head high...

 

[ThreeSixes]

Velma asked Fred, Daphne and Shaggy if they could name one of Africa’s big 5 animals.

“Rhino”

“I know you do, Scooby” she said. “But it’s not your turn”

 

[Gilles Lingam]

Velma asked Fred, Daphne and Shaggy if they could name one of Africa’s big 5 animals.

“Rhino”

“I know you do, Scooby” she said. “But it’s not your turn”

is that why she didn't ask Scooby ?

 

[Nobby_66]

A bloke came up to me and said "How do you fancy running a football team in Sheffield for one day a week?".
I said "I can't manage Wednesday"

 

[Nobby_66]

I phoned my local gym about booking up for some midweek yoga classes.
She said "How flexible are you?"
I said "I can do Tuesday or Thursday"

 

[Gilles Lingam]

I phoned my local gym about booking up for some midweek yoga classes.
She said "How flexible are you?"
I said "I can do Tuesday or Thursday"

... she said "Thursday might be stretching it a bit ..."

 

[Nobby_66]

Couple of Tim Vine's finest

 

[Suffolk Gills]

In an initiative to assist Gareth Southgate - Government scientists and SAGE have predicted, based on the data, science and latest modelling, that Germany will score between 1 and 125 goals against England tomorrow.

 

[Gilles Lingam]

 

[Suffolk Gills]

At age 4 success is…not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is…having friends.
At age 17 success is…having a driving license.
At age 20 success is…having sex.
At age 35 success is…having money.
At age 50 success is…having money.
At age 60 success is…having sex.
At age 70 success is…having a driving license.
At age 75 success is…having friends.
At age 80 success is…not peeing in your pants

 

[Gilles Lingam]

 

[Gilles Lingam]

 

[Gilles Lingam]

 

[Gilles Lingam]

I was in a bar yesterday & had to fart.... the music was pretty loud so I timed releasing my farts with the beats. Much relieved, I realised everyone was looking at me .... then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod

 

[Gilles Lingam]

 

[Gilles Lingam]

 

[shotshy]

My Grandad used to say, as one door closes, another one opens.

He was a lovely bloke but not much of a cabinet maker.

 

[shotshy]

A massive thanks to my neighbour who lent me a large plastic sheeting.

Ta Pauline !