Monday joke (ng) | Page 2 | Vital Football

Monday joke (ng)

Couple on a first date.

Her - I love animals
Him - I work with animals
Her - wow, are you a vet?
Him - nah! I’m a butcher
 
Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? ...... As I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilos before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me......
 
Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? ...... As I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilos before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me......


Love that. Not heard it before. Utterly briliant
 
A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel ready for them.” The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: “BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!” The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. “So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?” he asked. The Sergeant replied, “Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride to the brothel in town.”
 
(not exactly a joke .... but, anyway_)

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank cashier and said, “I would like to withdraw £10
The cashier told her, “For withdrawals less than £100 please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The cashier returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the cashier and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The cashier was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have £300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The cashier told her any amount up to £3000
"Well, please let me have £3000 now", the cashier then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her
The old lady put £10 in her purse and asked the cashier to deposit £2990 back into her account.......
 
(not exactly a joke .... but, anyway_)

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank cashier and said, “I would like to withdraw £10
The cashier told her, “For withdrawals less than £100 please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The cashier returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the cashier and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The cashier was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have £300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The cashier told her any amount up to £3000
"Well, please let me have £3000 now", the cashier then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her
The old lady put £10 in her purse and asked the cashier to deposit £2990 back into her account.......

Thats not exactly funny, more of a sad reflection on what the Bank's have become today.

However it does remind me of a true "Double your money" story:

An elderly gentleman called at a busy branch and opened an account with a substantial sum of money. He made great play about asking the Manager if his money was safe and told him he would be coming in each day to check. Sure enough the old chap visited the Branch every day, withdrew the balance and was allowed to sit in an interview room to count it before paying it back in. It became a huge joke with all the Bank staff who got to know the old boy very well and were on Christian name terms, "Call me John" he said.

It all went very well until The Chief cashier returned from his 1pm to 2pm lunch hour to be told, "John came in and cashed his money. We showed him in to the intervioew room but he hasn't paid it back in yet" "What do you mean?" exclaimed the Chief Cashier. "He had already been in whilst you were at lunch between 12noon and 1pm!" Sure enough, John had withdrawn his money twice and disappeared, never to be seen in the Bank again