Monday joke (ng) | Page 19 | Vital Football

Monday joke (ng)

shotshy said:
Cheers mate.
It would have been a trigger for the usual suspects on both sides 😁
Click to expand...

Nice try, but you realize you've just provided the trigger (or casus foederis, if you will) which activates the great unholy free speech alliance between Jerry and VG.

Man proposes, but God, fate, or dumb luck disposes.
 
shotshy said:
Cheers mate.
It would have been a trigger for the usual suspects on both sides 😁
Click to expand...
Was that the joke about the Chinese neighbour? Excellent anti racist joke imo. Certainly gets past my Guardian holier than thou PC watch.

So, I'll come up with another.

Paddy wants a job on a building site but the foreman assumes he's a thicko Irishman so tests him.
"What's the difference between a joist and girder?"

Joyce wrote Portrait of the Artist and Goethe wrote The Damnation of Faust" came the reply.

Sadly there are a distressing number of people I've told that joke to who have no idea what I'm talking about.
 
My neighbour discovered that her dog could barely hear so she took it to the vets.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he shaved both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and buy "Nairn Hair Remover" and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the shop and gets the 'Nairn Hair Remover'.
At the till, the chemist assistant tells her,
"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The chemist assistant says, "Well, if you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "Well, I'm not using it on my legs either.

If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The assistant replied, "Then I recommend that you stay off your bicycle for a week."
 
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
 
I went shopping today in Asda and I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.” Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” Well, I was really impressed, so l went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.” “Thanks,” said the Grandad. “But I am William. The little f******s name is Kevin.”
 
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