Monday joke (ng) | Page 18 | Vital Football

Monday joke (ng)

Doctor Bear telling Father and Mother Bear “ although we have your sons diarrhoea under control, he’s not out of the woods yet “


Try this :
80 Beers
minus your age
plus 40
will give you the year you were born.
Did it work ? 😉
 
A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom.

The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we started swearing."

The brother nods in agreement.

"When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old.

The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast.

"I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!"

The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair.

The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants.

Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"
 
On her 67th Birthday, Mandy checked into a hotel, she was lonely, & a little depressed. As it was a hot summer night she decided to treat herself & risk an adventure. "I'll check the phone book & call one of those male escorts / sensual massage adverts", she thought.
She found an ad & decided to call.
"Good evening, madam, how can I help you?"
He sounded quite sexy!...
Afraid she would lose her nerve - she gushed "I see that you offer a great massage. I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got. you can tie me up, cover me in chocolate and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?”
He said, "That sounds fantastic, madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
 
Bill Clinton in Hell

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants, and he will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind it is Gordon Brown. He's being forced to pound big rocks into little rocks. Upon seeing Gordon in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, "I feel his pain! I don't think so."

The second door opens. Behind it is John Prescott. He is bobbing for "Jaguar" parts in a large pool of dirty water. Grimacing at the filthy scene, Clinton says, "Not for me."

The third door opens and behind it is Tony Blair. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

"I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

"Very well," says Satan. "Monica, you may go."
 
A new natural medical test for men: Go up to a tree and take a leak. If your wee attracts ants, you have diabetes; If it dries quickly, your sodium level is high; If it smells like meat, your cholesterol is high; If you forgot to unzip, it's Alzheimer's; If you missed the tree, Parkinson's; If you peed on your shoes, enlarged prostate; And if you can't smell it - Covid-19.
 
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.
He suffers a massive heart attack in his office and dies on the spot. He arrives (to his great surprise) at the gates of heaven.

A huge welcoming party is there waiting for him. Large welcome home banners are displayed and it looks like a proper affair indeed. Some of heaven’s most famous inhabitants are there.

Saint Peter greets him heartily and says “at long last my son you are finally home.”

He is very confused and says “I don’t understand why do I get all this just for me?”

“Well my child, you were the oldest human to ever live, of course! And now you are finally here so we came to welcome you.” He answers.

“B-but I was only 49! There must be some mistake.” He says.

Saint peter frowns. “Hmm, only 49? Well according to your billing hours you were at least 130!”
 
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