Monday joke (ng) | Page 17 | Vital Football

Monday joke (ng)

Growing old is not so bad....

I'm not complaining because I am a Seenager (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 70 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don't have acne.
 
The vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, " Hi, I'm Frank."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is Sternum.!"
 
A short Donald Trump story. I know it's too late but I couldn't resist it..........

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.

-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

-The rest of the world is in shock.

-Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.

-Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.

-Latin American countries are sending clothing.

-New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

-The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

-Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

-President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million Muslims to replace those killed.
 
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .. 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?​
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Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.​
 
Nope, they are deadly serious.
Swindon see themselves as a bigger club than us.
If they offered him a 50% pay increase and a decent players budget, I reckon he’d be off.
League two doesn’t bother him like it does Joey Barton.
Historically, I’d say they possibly are a little. Certainly spent longer, higher than us, although cheated to get there. Bigger crowds, larger stadium (albeit a shithole).
They could probably scrape together a bigger budget for him to spend too, He has stated before that the wage he is paid is second to the actual job prospect in hand though.
I feel his is on the cusp of something here, I do hope he stays and that PS backs him close season. If we can keep largely the same core, then with the correct additions then next season could be very interesting.

Of course, if he went there we can begin the hatred of him and the swine all over again............
 
To my shame I did away with my missus.

I hired a contract killer called Arty who charged me just one pound. I told him my wife shopped at Tescos every Friday morning and wore a yellow coat and beret.

Unfortunately there were two women dressed as such on the fateful day so Arty panicked and strangled both of them.

The story made the national news headlines

"Arty chokes two for a £1 in Tescos"
 
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