Monday joke (ng) | Page 12 | Vital Football

Monday joke (ng)

Two old chaps, Mike and Joe, have been friends all their lives. When it is clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day, Mike says: "Joe, we have both loved rugby all our lives, and played regularly together. Please do me one favour: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there." Joe looks up weakly from his bed: "Mike, you have been my best friend for many years. I will do that for you." Shortly, Joe passes on. A couple of nights later, Mike is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and voice calling to him: "Mike, Mike." "Who is it?" asks Mike. "Mike, it's Joe." "Joe, where are you?" "In heaven," replies Joe, "and I have good and bad news. "Tell me the good news first." "Well, there is rugby in heaven, and better still, all of our old friends who went before us are playing, and we're all young again. Even better, it is always spring, and we can play every day." "That's terrific. And the bad news?" "You are in the team for this Saturday."
 
Suffolk Gills said:
Two old chaps, Mike and Joe, have been friends all their lives. When it is clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day, Mike says: "Joe, we have both loved rugby all our lives, and played regularly together. Please do me one favour: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there." Joe looks up weakly from his bed: "Mike, you have been my best friend for many years. I will do that for you." Shortly, Joe passes on. A couple of nights later, Mike is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and voice calling to him: "Mike, Mike." "Who is it?" asks Mike. "Mike, it's Joe." "Joe, where are you?" "In heaven," replies Joe, "and I have good and bad news. "Tell me the good news first." "Well, there is rugby in heaven, and better still, all of our old friends who went before us are playing, and we're all young again. Even better, it is always spring, and we can play every day." "That's terrific. And the bad news?" "You are in the team for this Saturday."
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🤣🤣🤣
 
I heard Arthur Smith tell this one on the radio years ago, and while my version probably isn't a patch on his original, but it's still one of my all time favourites

The old brigadier finally popped his clogs, and after a while his widow, started to get worried about him as he had been so used to having everything done for him. So she went to a medium and asked if there was any chance that she might be able to find out how he was doing. So the medium does his stuff, and after a few minutes a disembodied voice speaks to the room. “George, is that you?” the wife asks. “how are you getting on? Are you managing OK?” “Betty, my dear, I’m fine” the voice replies. “Everything here is wonderful and I’m loving every minute of it” “I’m so please to hear that” she says. “Tell me, how do you spend your days?” “Well,” he says, “I get up in the morning and go for a swim, and then, after a bit of breakfast, I have a bit of sex and then have a nap for a while. Then when I wake up I go for another swim, have a bite more to eat, a bit more sex, and then another nap. And that’s pretty much how day goes. It’s a great life” “Oh, I’m so please to hear that” the wife replies, ”but so much seems to have changed. While you were here you had terrible insomnia, you never enjoyed swimming, lost your appetite so long ago I can’t remember when, and you lost your interest in sex even before that.” “Yes, that’s very true”, the voice replied, “but when I was there I wasn’t a duck.”
 
A guy is sitting opposite a girl on the train and she has a mini skirt on and no knickers!
She says to the guy “whats that bulge in your trousers? Are you pleased to see me?”
The guy says “Its just my wages and I got extra with my pay rise”
The girl says “ You must have a great boss because you have had two pay rises while you’ve been sitting there”
 
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A pensioner is driving his brand new Mercedes at 100 mph, when he looks in his mirror and sees the blue flashing lights of a police car coming up behind him. So he floors it and goes on to 140, 150, 155. Suddenly, he thinks: “I’m too old for this nonsense,” and pulls over to await his fate. The officer walks up to him, looks at his watch and said: “Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I am taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I have never heard before about why you were speeding, I will let you off.” The motorist looks very seriously at the police officer, and replies: “Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.” The policeman says: “Have a good day, sir.”
 
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