Monday joke (ng) | Page 11 | Vital Football

Monday joke (ng)

A shepherd is tending his flock at the end of the day and asks his sheepdog how many sheep he had herded.
'30!' said the sheepdog.
After recovering from the shock of hearing his dog speak English, the shepherd replies, 'but we only have 26'.
'That's right', replied the dog, 'I rounded them up'.
 
Couldn't resist this one Buddha........

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals". "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheaply?" "Because he's a lying b******... he's never been out of the garden."
 
A German tourist jumped into the freezing water to save my precious little dog, who was drowning after falling in. As he climbed out, he handed me the dog and said: "Here is ze dog. Keep him warm and dry him off, and he vill be fine." I said: "Thank you so much. Are you a vet?" "Vet?? I am V****g soaking."
 
Not new, but worth posting

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff".
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam".
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls".
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
 
Nobby_66 said:
Or the old classic.

Why does a dog lock his balls?

Because he can 😛
Click to expand...

Wasn’t it an old jasper carrot joke that went something like....

I was chatting to my neighbour the other day and his dog was curled up licking his own bollocks. I said to the neighbour, blimey I wish I could do that. The neighbour replied with “buy rover a steak to munch on and I’m sure he’d let you.”
 
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