I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. However, after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a Nurses outfit, a French maid's outfit and a Policewoman's uniform i finally decided: if she can't hold down a job she's not the one for me.
A behavioural scientist is carrying out experiments on various groups of people.
He has three small cell like rooms, completely empty except for a small table and two ball bearings.
He enlists the help of two paramedics, two firefighters and two police officers as he wants to find out how the different emergency services react given the same scenario. He leaves them no instructions but locks each pair in one of the rooms and says he will return in an hour.
After an hour, he let's each pair out and asks them what they managed to achieve.
The paramedics stated that if you roll both bearings along the table at the same speed, they roll off the table, hit the tiled floor and bounce to exactly the same height.
The firefighters noted that if you roll them towards each other, they collide and both return to their start point at exactly the same time.
Impressed so far, the scientist moves to the last room and asks the coppers what findings they'd made with the ball bearings. With a shrug, one copper says "Dunno mate, we broke one and lost the other one".
BREAKING NEWS ...Justice has been served!
There's been some scumbag called Cal going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. 😡The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks into them & turning them on while helping himself to whatever he wanted!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... 😳 Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley because of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Cal gone....
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair .... Kill him!!' The woman said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my husband .' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home.' The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes. The woman came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my husband .' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.' Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to kill her with the fucking chair!' 🤣🤣😂😂😱😱🤦♂️🤦♂️
This elderly person calls her neighbour and says: “Can you come and help me? I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I just can’t get it started.” The neighbour asks what it is supposed to look like when it is finished. “According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster,” she says. The neighbour decides to go round and help with the puzzle, and finds it spread all over the kitchen table. The neighbour studies all the pieces and says: “First of all, you are never going to be able to solve this puzzle into anything like a rooster. Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea and then... (sighs) “Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
My Mrs said to me the other day "does my bum look big in these jeans?"
I asked "do you promise not to get mad at me, whatever I say?"
She said "darling, just tell me the truth, I won't get mad whatever you say".
So I said "I f***ed your sister" 😳