O/T Jokes | Page 37 | Vital Football

O/T Jokes

I read my horoscope this morning and it said, "You will be lead to believe something on false pretences even though it isn't true, you must avoid being taken in by it."
So I'm never going to read my horoscope again.

Any fellow telepathics out there?
No? Thought not.

I did an online test for fun earlier to figure out what colour represents my character. It turns out that I am yellow. And it also turns out that I have no life.

Its Friday the 13th. This simply means that most students will blame witchcraft for their regular stupidity.

People say if you open an umbrella indoors, it's said to bring bad luck. Personally I think, if it's raining indoors.. You've already got bad luck.

Sometimes it's nice to extract the urine from the superstitious, they deserve it.
 
What do you call a man who is vacuuming with the lights off, whilst balancing 2 birds of prey on his head?




Hawk Kestrel Man Hoovers In The Dark.
 
Sent to me by a hockey fan.....

I don't watch soccer.

If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes I would go to the bar with my friends.
 
2 little boys are talking.... One says, "I think we're old enough to start swearing. I'll start first at breakfast in the morning and you can start after me".

At breakfast the boys mother says, "What do you two want for breakfast? Johnny says, "I want bacon and eggs bitch!" Instantly a hand crosses the table and lands a heavy smack on the back of his head, sending him reeling. "So what do you want?" she says to the other one. "Not ******* bacon and eggs! That's for sure!"
 
There are 364 days until Christmas and some people have their Christmas lights up already. UNBELIEVABLE!
 
From Twitter today.......

I heard a cat screaming outside and when I looked out of the window I saw 4 guys in Chelsea shirts playing football with it.

I was about to call the RSPCA when the cat went up 1-0.
 
2 dogs having a chat.

Fido says do you like jokes.
Goldie says indeed he does.
Fido says ok then, knock knock.
Goldie goes feckin mental.
 
Big Chiv - 6/1/2016 21:25

2 dogs having a chat.

Fido says do you like jokes.
Goldie says indeed he does.
Fido says ok then, knock knock.
Goldie goes feckin mental.
Click to expand...

This received a good response at breakfast this morning.
 
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when West Ham win the premier league."
"You crafty ****!" said the fairy.

 
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's...
farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
 
My 81yr old mother just sent me this.....

AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:
1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don't need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

9. Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

10. At our age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
 
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar & restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger!”
 
Greavsie this one is for you....

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.
 
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