Joke | Page 9 | Vital Football

Joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to
>spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
>That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
>night!
>He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for
>the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ya now. And what was
>your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting
>in church beside me wife."
>"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
>The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies
>on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won
>the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
>She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.
>You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he
>fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to
>make him come."
:hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:
 
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,

"Father, It has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex
with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex
with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and
sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off
her shoes."

 
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I
want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him
of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen
to foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in
the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn
bank, okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
 
"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her," said George.

"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" replied his friend.

"No, that's not what made her the maddest," the husband chuckled.

"It's not?" asked the friend.

"No, she got pissed off when he reached in the window and closed the curtains!"



:hihi:
 
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
 
Just in case you need the reminder, had Einstein been alive today, he would have been 107. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal,
after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.



 
There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this?"
 
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his knob was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous stiffie. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed, "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."


:hihi: :hihi:
 
A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."
 
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."
 
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
 
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
 
One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.

She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.

The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."

The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.

Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.

He told her to climb again and she did.

when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"
 
Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
 
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
 
Once upon a time there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis.

He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. Just then, two old ladies were strolling about the sand, one walking with a cane.

Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady: "There ain't no justice in this world."

The other little old lady asked "What do you mean by that?"

"Well," she said, "when I was 20 I was curious about it,"

"when I was 30 I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 I asked for it."

"When I was 50 I paid for it."

"When I was 60 I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old too squat."
 
Yam Yam walks into a chip shop and says "can i have a steak and kidaly pie" the women asks "dont you mean a steak and kidney pie?" to which he replies "thats what i said didlay"
 
A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. As they hadn't been seeing other for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves, The sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:-

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because i've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove. These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, In fact she she has'nt needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

Ron.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
 
A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across
a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking
genies pop out "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!"
"Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up".
The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've
been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds
the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.
After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and
walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills.
The guy can hardly believe his luck.
Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it,
when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string
him up naked until he is dead.
The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that
they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled.
The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the
beautiful woman and all the money in the world,
by why on earth would you want to be
hung like a black man?"
 
I attended a party this past weekend. After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman standing alone across the room. When I approached and asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."
Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name, Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men."
Then she asked, "What's your name?"
"Golftits," I replied.