Joke | Page 8 | Vital Football

Joke

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?"
The guy says, "Gee, I don't know". The clerk says, "Go see Sophie in
aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie; she grabs him in the crotch, and
yells, "Medium". The guy is mortified; he hurries over to pay and get
out of the store.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, the clerks asks the size, and again
sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large".
The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?"
The kid (embarrassed) says, "I've never done this before. I don't know
what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs
him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"
 
A bloke visits a lab for a blood test,a beautiful nurse gives him a prick on the finger for blood sample and not finding a cotton wipe takes his finger in her mouth and sucks it; seeing this he asks her if he can have a urine test done too!!




:hihi:
 
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

:hihi:
 
What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

A stethoscope.


:eyes:
 
In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call of nature.
He went to the edge of the field and started peeing. Most
unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the "tip."

The pain was unbearable, but he knew a piece of good advice.
He went to the farmers house and put his penis in buttermilk.
At that moment the farmers daughter came in.
With her face red, she stood perfectly still looking at him.

"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.

To which the girl replied, "Yes, but this is the first time I see one being reloaded!


 
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
 
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate

that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in

on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your

mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her

mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy

that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red

ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father

what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he

can type that letter now."

The child told her father, and then returned to

her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter,

he already wrote the letter by hand."
 
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
 
Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival
of their first children.
The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl,
because I conceived while I was on my back".
The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy,
because I was on top during conception".
The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I must be going to have a puppy!"
 
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge
dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small
guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, Turner Brown" The small white guy
faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face
and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small
white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks
and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, my name is Turner Brown." The small
guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'
 
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair
smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office
and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and
explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with
the coworker telling you your hair smells nice."
The woman replies, "He's a midget."
 
There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old
dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same
day Jim's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for
John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."
Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort
of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an
old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack
in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I
used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess
what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four
guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good,
but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her
at once and she split right up the middle"
The old woman fainted.
 
Its the first day back after the holidays for the little ones, and the teacher decides to ask each of the children to tell a small
story about their fathers.
so the teacher points to little katy and asks, "katy, what does your daddy work as?"
and katy replies "my daddy's an aircraft pilot, and he flies people all over the world and makes them very happy."
the teacher then asks little david what his daddy does.
"my daddy is a postman, miss, and he delivers letters and parcels to people sent from all over the place, and he makes people happy."
the teacher turns to little susan and is about to ask the same question as the others, but susan suddenly bursts into tears. the teacher rushes over to console
her. "whats wrong susan?"
"my daddy is dead, miss" she replies.
"aww.... i didn't know that. i'm so sorry"
"it's ok" she choked out, through tears.
"so tell me susan, what did your father do before he died?"
"he shit the bed and turned blue, miss"


:hihi: :hihi:
 
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started
massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front
turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a massage therapist and I could see that you
were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the
IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"



 
It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones. Here's how:

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name. Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.

 
was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I notice Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late.

Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?"

To which I replied, "Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

 
was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students.

"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.

"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.

"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?"

"Me and my family rode our bikes together."

"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to shy Mikey in the corner of the room.

"What did you do this summer, Mikey?"

"Nothing," the boy responded timidly.

"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, trying to draw Mikey out.

"Yes."

"Did you go to the beach?"

"No."

"Did you ride bikes?"

"No, never!" the boy burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"

"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.

"I don't know," explained Mikey, "but dad always said, when then mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."

 
A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.

"Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father.

"No," says the boy.

"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.

The boy hesitates before he says, "No ... I'm not sleepy yet."