Joke

[JuanPabloAngel]

And you had the cheek to reprimand me the other week ?.

Outrageous.

This lockdown is increasingly driving me into prime 'Dad joke' territory. Worrying times for someone as naturally hilarious as my good self.

 

[Pride of Lions]

I see America has plans to save thousands more lives when the coronavirus lock down ends.

They're not opening the schools.

 

[Pride of Lions]

I used to admire Julian Assange.

But I’m no longer impressed by people forced to stay inside for long periods of time.

 

[Pride of Lions]

Two flies on a piece of shit talking, first one says, "I see they got Bill, and his family, sprayed in the bathroom.

Then they got Freddie, twatted with the dreaded swat, and poor Graham, the fucking cat got him. "

"Fuck me, " replied the second fly, "they're dropping like humans. "

 

[Pride of Lions]

I met a bloke who said he was Richie Blackmore who used to be in Rainbow.

He must think I'm stupid, I watched every episode when I was a kid and it was just Geoffrey, George, Bungle and Zippy.

 

[Melon Donkey]

I have a friend who is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic , he's off work, due to the virus .l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end and he jumped at the chance. l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.

 

[sirdennis]

I have a friend who is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic , he's off work, due to the virus .l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end and he jumped at the chance. l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.

 

[Melon Donkey]

I will admit. It was touch and go as to whether I posted it.

 

[Pride of Lions]

I see hand sanitizer sales in Saudi Arabia are half what they are elsewhere in the world.

 

[Pride of Lions]

According to Newsweek, China are sending a team of medical doctors to North Korea to check on Kim Jong Un's health.

That's him well and truly fucked then.

 

[Pride of Lions]

Rumours are rife that Kim Jong Un, the supreme leader of North Korea, has passed away.

Intelligence services understand that he died after injecting himself with disinfectant, allegedly “on the advice of a good friend”.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

People say I have the legs of a dancer.

But until they find the rest of the body, they can't prove anything.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

I like my women like I like my skis. Rented.

With a little wax on the bottom.

 

[Pride of Lions]

If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "Not very good at maths".

 

[Pride of Lions]

BREAKING: A man who took an airline to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.

 

[Pride of Lions]

Elton John is good on the piano.

But he sucks on an organ.

 

[Pride of Lions]

The Mediterranean migrant season is now gathering pace.

Sinking refugees are asked to maintain a distance of one fathom.

 

[Pride of Lions]

The thieves who robbed Deli Ali got away with far more than they should've.

But he didn't know how to tackle them.

 

[Pride of Lions]

"So what do you do for a living ?" My date asked.
"I make things up and people laugh." I said.
"Wow!" She said.."so your a Comedian."

"Eh no." I replied.."I'm a Politician."

 

[Pride of Lions]

Better out than in my old grandad used to say.

Great bloke, shit Tennis coach.