Joke

[Merlin128777]

What to you do with people who wont work ?
You close the House of Commons down and send them all home.

 

[Pride of Lions]

I bought a pug for the Mrs.

Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat, the pug seems to like her.........

 

[Pride of Lions]

I scared the postman today by going to the door naked. I don't know what scared him more,......

My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived!......

 

[Pride of Lions]

I've been doing weightlifting down the gym for the last two weeks.

I must say, I find it quite uplifting.......

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

Farmer: I love my job.

Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows.

Farmer: What did you say to me?

Wife: You herd.

 

[Pride of Lions]

At a Catholic Sunday school a group of students were asked what they wanted to be when they grow up.

The first kid said I want to be a firefighter, another said I want to be a priest, and this girl said, "I want to be a prostitute". The nun looks at the child in utter horror and says "You want to be a what?" The girl responds "a prostitute".

The nun sighs relief and says "Good, for a second I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."

 

[The Fear]

https://twitter.com/x/status/1122586138223501312

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

Rolf Harris, Jimmy Savile and Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland.

The barman says, "Not yew tree again..."

 

[Pride of Lions]

I'm one of a few who thought velcro wouldn't catch on..............

 

[The Fear]

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

https://twitter.com/x/status/1132285108558417920

 

[The Fear]

https://twitter.com/x/status/1139496540815446016

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

 

[col8]

Bloke is sent to prison for the first time and meets his cell mate whose is a hulk. After the guard leaves the cell mate says Tonight when the lights go out we will play mummies and daddies and you can choose who you want to be. All day the guy is craping himself and eventually decides its better to give than receive. When the lights went off the cell mate says So who you wanna be? I'll be daddie says the newby. Cellmate says Good, now get over here and suck mommies cock.

 

[BodyButter]

This doesn't really fit this thread but I didn't want to start another thread (I'm saving the environment) so I'm putting it here.

I stumbled across this guy on youtube and I can't stop watching his videos.

 

[JuanPabloAngel]

Swedish comedian Olaf Falafel has won Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe" award with the niche culinary pun.

He took the title with the gag: "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-49389208

 

[Pride of Lions]

I test my smoke alarm batteries by burning the fuck out of everything I cook.

 

[Pride of Lions]

The houses round here keep getting burgled and have all their crisps, biscuits, sweets, and cakes nicked.

Police say it's the local snack heads.

 

[Pride of Lions]

Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side, she had to.....

We only have 1 chair!

 

[Pride of Lions]

Ruth Davidson says she is stepping down to spend more time with her family and to focus on her career as a body double for Arlene Foster of the DUP