Joke | Page 235 | Vital Football

Joke

My mate texted me asking if I wanted a free ticket for some reading festival next summer.

I told him to fuck off. I can think of better things to do with my time.
 
I ordered a book off Amazon the other day . "How to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors"

Unfortunately I wasn't home when it got delivered.
 
I said to the psychiatrist, "My wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages."

"I don't think you're crazy," he replied, "I also like sausages."

"Really?" I said, "You should come over to my house and see my collection."
 
I was in the surgery the other day and he said the first thing he needed to do was feel my testicles.

Jesus, his hands were cold! You would have thought any successful dentist could afford decent heating.
 
A Christmas favourite!

An international chess tournament is being held in a swank hotel in New York. However, due to a conflicting convention the tables have been set up in the lobby. Everyone who is anyone in the world of chess is there. After a grueling 4 hours of chess, there is still no winner. In the lobby, the players get into a big argument about who is the brightest, the fastest, and the best chess player. The argument gets loud, each player claiming that he or she is the greatest chess player of all time. Someone comments, “If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
 
I went to the doctor's today and said " Doctor sometimes I feel like a wigwam , and sometimes I feel like a teepee"

He said "Relax you are too tense"
 
I went to a pet shop today to buy a budgie.
I asked the shop keeper how much the ones on the bottom perch were.
He replied 5 pound each.
I then asked how much the ones on the middle perch were. He said to you 8 pound.
Hmm I thought,
OK how much are those on the top.
Oh them he replied. There all 5 pound per week.
Excuse me I said. Per week?.

Yes he said. There on higher perches.
 
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