Joke | Page 234 | Vital Football

Joke

My new girlfriend came up to me as I was stacking washing powder in Tesco.

She said: “You lying bastard, you told me you were a stunt pilot.”

“No I didn’t” I replied, “I told you I was in the Aerial display team.”
 
Scouser is walking down the banks of the river Ganges in India .

He hears screaming, and run towards it, only to find an indian man being eaten by a crocodile , just his head sticking out .

The scouser says "Dats fucking boss mate where did you get your Lacoste sleeping bag? I want one".
 
A women walks up to me in a bar and says, "Do you mind me asking how tall you are?" "I'm 6 foot 1 inch," I replied.

"Wow.. That's very tall. Now.. Tell me... Is everything in proportion?" she asks, with a wink.

"Unfortunately not," I said, shaking my head. "If everything was in proportion, I'd be 8 foot 9."
 
I think Walkers are missing an opportunity with all these empty crisp packets being posted back to them.

Simply seal them back up and re sell them
 
After watching Jeremy Corbyn at the labour party conference I can finally see him getting to number 10 ... as a replacement for Larry the cat , he doesn't know if he wants to be in or fucking out either.
 
I failed my fire safety course when asked what steps I would take if there was an explosion. "Very large ones" was the wrong answer apparently.
 
In the car, I said to my wife, “You’ve been driving this haven’t you?”

She said, “How do you know?”

I said, “Because the clutch is knackered.”

She said, “Don’t blame me, I never use it.
 
A couple are driving home from a night out when their care runs over a Badger.

The get out and find it's still breathing but is freezing cold.

Husband says to his wife "Quick, put it between your legs to warm it up".

Wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks".

To which the husband replies... "Well hold it's nose then".
 
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